Not the news we'd hoped for

This post is to serve two purposes:

1. To update anyone who is checking in for updates on what is going on with the girls
2. As a therapeutic writing outlet for me (hence my posts being long as I work through my thoughts & emotions)

So, to serve the first aforementioned purpose I'll rip the bandaid off with the update and then proceed to dump my thoughts and feelings...

We received the news that the U.S. Embassy is not able to issue the girls' visa at this time to get them out with the other Americans being extracted right now after the recent Haitian border closing, so they will not be coming home soon.

According to an email I received from the U.S. Embassy in Haiti, they have received a global policy to stop processing visas for children being adopted internationally with the sole exception of the adoptive parent(s) already being in country (since they are in need of extraction home themselves). This is a clear line drawn in the sand that there isn't a way around as our girls can't leave Haiti or enter the U.S. without an issued visa (and we still don't have Abigaelle/Eleanor's passport yet or the girls' medical exam completed which would be necessary to obtain said visa).

This was not the update we were hoping to get and I have been working through a whole slew of feelings. Here are just some:

"If only___" feelings.
"Why?" feelings.
Worried and scared feelings.
Pleading for comfort/peace feelings.
Feelings of gratitude.
Prayerful petitions for Haiti, for our daughters & the other children at the orphanage.
Desire to strengthen my faith in my savior and rely on Him.

As I mentioned, I'd like to dump a lot of my thoughts and feelings here for therapeutic purposes (yes, that actually helps me) and you are welcome to read them.

Let me start by saying that as I sort through my feelings of fear and grief, I still feel very impressed of the importance to obtaining Abigaelle/Eleanor's passport and the girls' medical as quickly as possible. I have sorted through why I feel this way and and I have come up with a few thoughts:

1. We don't know when opportunity for transport will become an option or when the Embassy will change their policy on adoption visas, but the girls need to be immediately legally available to have a visa issued and leave when that does happen.
2. Because as COVID-19 spreads through various communities it will only become more risky to risk exposure by taking the girls to medical clinics and for them to potentially bring the virus back to the orphanage.
3. If COVID-19 does spread through Haiti it will take no time for the limited medical resources to become overwhelmed caring for the patients needing critical care and bringing children in for a routine medical exam will simply may not be a priority or possibility.
4. Maybe the passport office is eventually going to close since the borders are not open anyway.
5. I may feel this urgency as a divine impression due to one of the reasons above (or a combination thereof) or because of totally different reasons we can't foresee. What I due know is that even though I know a the passport and medical exams won't lead to bring my little girls home right now I feel the urgency of it impressed upon both my mind and heart.

So! That is what I have shifted my prayerful petitions to now. That He will impress that same urgency on those people in places of influence and on those directly in care of our girls, to secure that remaining passport and to get the girls in for their medical exam right away.

Next feeling I'd like to dump: fear. 

I won't go into all the different fearful scenarios that I have to keep in check in my mind. What mother wouldn't be struggling with this emotion in this scenario? And I worry for the country and people of Haiti in general. The sanitation infrastructure is minimal, the medical resources are already not available enough as it is. Doctors in Haiti have been reaching out saying that while the outbreak is only in the very beginning stages (only a couple confirmed cases) that they aren't ready and don't have supplies needed. I fear for the rapid spread and devastation that is possible in this country I love. I fear for the more routine medial problems that won't be able to be addressed for Haitians once the medical system is depleted and overwhelmed also. So many worries. That's just a few of them.

Next emotion I've been overwhelmed with: gratitude.

Concurrent with my sadness and fear I truly have felt overwhelmed with gratitude for those that are caring for our girls and working on our behalf. I'm grateful for the caregivers and administration at our girls' orphanage. I'm grateful for those in the U.S. and Haiti that have been working hard to get the girls paperwork finished and look into options for them come home (even though that latter part didn't work out yet). I'm grateful for people that have gone above and beyond advocating on our behalf over the years, and for people I've never met that have put in countless hours of effort on our behalf after hours during a time that they are facing their own struggles amidst the pandemic going on across the world (because in our own ways everyone's life is being affected). I'm grateful for all our friends and family that have prayed for us over this long 7 1/2 year journey that still continues. I'm especially grateful for the love, support, and prayers that we've had this last week as I have felt weakened to a point I hadn't yet experienced. I'm humbled to know that others are praying for us, for our daughters, and for Haiti. Thank you. You will never know how deeply that has touched my soul and lifted me up.

Last emotion I want to write about: aching for true peace and desire to strengthen my faith

This is harder for me to put into words. I know that the place I can turn for lasting peace is my savior. I believe that I can always work on strengthening my faith in Him. I talked in my last post about being caught in this place where I'm partially in the dark, but trying to face the light. It feels like it is just taking so much more effort to do that lately than in other times of my life, but I'm trying. I want to turn my face to him more completely, to bathe in the warm comfort of His love, to allow him to help carry my burdens, to trust more fully in Him. To surrender.