Friday, April 18, 2014

A new emotion

I've lived a very blessed life, but I do know what it's like to miss someone...

My first memory of this was missing my friends, school, and familiarity as a grade child when our family moved to a new home.  I, like many people, have re-experienced this emotion as in varying degrees as different stages of my life have occurred (graduations, job changes, break-ups, moving, whatever).

I missed everything familiar to me (people, food, language, smells, everything!) while living with my host family as I volunteered in Taiwan for 6 months. 

I missed my family, friends, and the guy I loved (now my husband) for 18 months while living in Germany while serving a full-time mission for our church...and with just 3 phone calls home that entire time.  (And ironically now I still miss Germany)

I missed my family and friends during the years that we lived out of state in Iowa during schooling as we not only went through the struggles associated with medical schooling and life's challenges in general (apartment burning down, home robbery, surgeries, car accident, job/money struggles, etc), but also endured the physical and emotional struggles of infertility and the roller coaster of adoption without having them nearby.

I still miss our dear friends that were there for us through those toughest times in our lives in Iowa while away from family.  They were our family there and we miss them now!

I missed the support of family and friends (especially my mom) while living in Arizona dealing with pregnancy complications, scares, and severe sickness. 

I miss my grandpa quite often (who has passed away) who was such an integral part of my life and growing up years.

I've missed lesser things too, like the pre-baby body I used to have or having more time for myself (both things happily traded for the blessing of being a mom, but still...)

So, that being established, this is the new emotion that clicked with me today...I know what it is like to miss someone, or something.  To know someone closely and then be away from them.  To have experiences and connection with another person and then to be away from that.

Today I found myself thinking about our baby girl that we're waiting for.  I recognized that heavy feeling in my heart, that feeling of unwhole-ness or of longing.  The only emotion or experience from my life that I can tie those feelings to is that of missing someone.  Those times when I have truly felt the unwanted separation of missing someone I care dearly about.  And I realized...I miss her.  Just typing that makes me feel so emotional.

The obviously strange/new thing about the emotion I'm feeling is that I haven't even met her yet.  How can I miss someone who I haven't even met yet?...and yet she already feels so much a part of my heart.  It is indeed unique to feel a deep connection to someone that you don't even know yet.  Or perhaps therein lies the discrepancy.  Maybe I do know her already, but I just don't remember.  I believe just as deeply in a pre-mortal existence as I do in an afterlife.  Maybe I do already know this sweet little girl, and as our journey to bring her home slowly brings us closer to her then perhaps my spirit cries out in longing for that familiarity and bond that my mind simply can't remember.  I feel connected to her in the same way I feel connected to other people in my life that I care deeply about.

Whether I did indeed know this little person before this life...or if perhaps my mind, or the English language, simply lacks the ability to discern this unique emotion from that of "missing" someone...what I do know is that I long for her.  So that is my realization for today.  I miss someone fiercely that in this life I certainly haven't met yet.

Friday, April 11, 2014


You know how sometimes you'll hear a song you've heard before, but it will hit you in a different (and so close to home) kind of way?  That happened to me today.  I know these lyrics weren't written to be interpreted as from a parent to a child, but think of it from my perspective waiting for our little girl.  Here's a section from the middle of the song...

I might have to wait
I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing
And the other half's luck
Wherever you are
Whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere
And into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

...So, yeah.  Those lyrics hit pretty close to home for me today.  Just thought I'd write them down.  Also, the song is "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael BublĂ©.  The music video obviously plays out much different than the one did in my mind today when I heard it, but if you want to hear the song then here's the music video anyway:

I love you, baby girl!  I just haven't met you yet.

Friday, April 4, 2014


Have you ever read a book, seen a movie, or...ok, read a blog...and felt such empathy for what that person went through (or is going through) that you felt like you were friends with them?  Have you ever felt such concern and empathy for someone that you don't know that you've prayed for them? (If not, you should really give it a try)

I've been aware of a large number of families whose children have been stuck in DRC (Democratic Republic of Congo) for months just waiting for government clearance to leave the country.  A great number of these are finalized adoptions, and many of these children already have US visas!  I cannot even wrap my mind around the vulnerability and heartache that it must be to not be able to bring your child home to care for them.

So!  This girl who is on my agency's private FB page (they started out pursuing an Ethiopian adoption and ended up finding their daughter in DRC and switched to pursue her adoption)...I've been following her blog and FB updates and my heart feels like it's just going to burst.  If you want to check out her blog see it here:

People have banded together and are signing petitions and sending letters to congress asking for attention to be brought to the plight of these children.  Children with homes and families ready and waiting for them who are stuck month after month in an institution waiting for a signature on a piece of paper.  To add your voice to those of thousands of others flooding congress, go here:

You don't have to be an adoptive parent, or a parent at all, to recognize the plight of all parties involved here.  Please take a moment to do something to help these families and innocent children by making yourself aware, signing the petition, and then (perhaps most importantly of all) petitioning our Lord.  My heart aches for these children in need of families, and even more so knowing that these children HAVE families and should be with them now.

There is not much that I can do to speed up the progress of our adoption.  We have years to wait.  I can read books, learn about our child's birth country, keep up on legal proceedings, renew paperwork, and day dream...but while I'm waiting I can do things to help other children find their way to their waiting families.  Children stuck in limbo.  This is something that needs attention now.  Immediately.  And if you've taken the time to read this post, you must feel moved to do something don't wait - do it now!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

18 months ago...

First let me say that I don't have anything much newsy to tell, but today marks the day exactly a year and 1/2 ago that we finally pulled the trigger and anxiously submitted our preliminary application to AGCI to adopt through their Ethiopia program.  We had no idea at the time that our application process would drag on or that our wait time would triple from what we were being told at the time.  Alas, today is some sort of milestone of taking that first step.  The first step in the right direction to finding our daughter.

In other news, our caseworker Toni with AGCI recently announced that she is engaged.  Getting married marks the beginning of some changes for her and so she announced her decision to leave AGCI.  All of "her families" will be taken over by the other caseworker Julie.  Time will tell if she will stay as the only caseworker for so many families.  Things are progressing slowly, so I'm sure that helps her juggle hope would be that things eventually will pick up pace again (someday??!) and that will warrant them hiring another caseworker to help Julie out.  Nothing against Julie, I've never met her, but it can't be a good sign to see them cut back a second Ethiopia caseworker without replacing her (if that is indeed what happens).  Anyway, Julie will technically be our third caseworker with AGCI (not counting our inquiry coordinator that we worked with at first or the caseworker with our homestudy agency).

Not much else to say except that I attended a really nice women's meeting with other members of our church (it was broadcast worldwide) and seeing all those moms with their little girls (girls 8 and older were invited) as well as a couple videos that were shown at the meeting made me ache a little bit for my little girl that is yet to even be born on the other side of the world.  Sometimes I crave certainty and assurance (something the journey of adoption is stingy in providing), but I look forward to the day that I will be able to do mother-daughter things with our little girl someday.