Saturday, June 11, 2016

Pregnancy dreams

I remember being pregnant and having crazy, intensely emotional dreams.  They felt especially real.

{No, I'm not pregnant} If I use the term sometimes circulated in the adoption community I'm "paper pregnant" though.  Meaning our papers are done and we're just waiting for our baby.  So! Can being paper pregnant cause those kind of dreams too?  Because I had one last night.  The second one in the last month or so.

I dreamt that I met our little girl last night. It felt really real. Like I can still feel her tiny arms around my neck when I picked her up.  The overwhelming feeling of joy to meet her, to know who she is. To love a child I just met.  (I've experienced that feeling 3 other times before.  Once in an office and two other times in a hospital.) While I held her my heart ached with happiness and tears wetted my face. I wanted to learn everything about her and memorize every detail of what she looked like. I didn't want to let her go...

And then I woke up.

It felt so sudden, as if someone ripped her away from me.  I sat straight up in bed and the tears in my dream were really wet on my face.  My heart hurt as if I had lost the little girl I had finally just met.  The little girl we've waited so long for.

I did finally go back to sleep.  I think I was hoping that I would find my way back to that beautiful happy place with her, but I didn't.  Instead nightmares of loss found me.  Just like happened the last time I dreamt about her and then went back to sleep.  As if when I go back to sleep I can't reconcile the loss my heart is feeling upon waking up.

And now I have a rainy day to match my mood.  As if the sky is crying with my heart.  Luckily I know the sun will be shining by tomorrow.

I do wonder if when we really do meet her if I'll be afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep that night for fear that I will wake up and find it to be a dream.

**The night that I posted this entry I put Max to bed and sang to him as usual, but verse 2 to 'You are My Sunshine' really struck a chord:
"The other night dear, when I was sleeping...I dreamt I held you in my arms.  When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken.  So, I hung my head down and cried."