Friday, February 21, 2014

The boys' side of things

My thoughts surrounding this adoption are often tainted with worry and fret right now.  Every now and then I indulge myself in daydreaming about her being here, thinking about her nursery, or mommy/daughter things that we'll do someday.

Our boys obviously experience this process differently that we do (as they should).  They don't worry the same way I do, but there isn't a day that goes by that either Noah or Lincoln doesn't say something about "baby girl".  Whether it's in their prayers, a name suggestion, or pointing out someone that baby girl could look like someday.

Yesterday, out of the blue, Noah said to me..."Mom, even though it's not what I normally like - when baby girl comes home I will love to sit with her and watch princess shows."  It was a sweet gesture at him expressing that he will want to help and please her, and I found it so endearing.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Not looking good

Maybe I'm a pessimist...I like to think I'm a realist, but you know.  Either way I tend to try and prepare myself for the worst case scenario for most things in life.  I know that at times that has helped me when I had my purse, keys and wedding album all ready to grab in case of a fire at night.  What is the likelihood of actually encountering that kind of disaster you may ask?  I don't know, but one fateful night our apartment DID have a fire and I was ready to go in a split second.  We had to duck out past black smoke and flames and were the only ones in our whole apartment building that had time to grab anything.  Plus our car happened to be parked in front of the area the fire truck needed to be able to best fight the fire and because we had keys we were able to move our car. 

Anyway!  That being said, sometimes I do worry too much unnecessarily too.  I recognize that.  I also struggle knowing when the worry is founded and when it's not.  When it comes to this adoption I struggle knowing what is a normal flux within the turbulent unreliable state of international adoptions, and when the writing is on the walls for total heartbreak.  I'm not feeling very optomistic the last couple of days.  Other than just the bomb that our wait has increased to 6 years, here are a few more reasons:

Another agency IAG was just indited on adoption fraud charges.  See info here.  While I'm grateful to have one of these horrible agencies being held accountable, my heart breaks for the children and families caught in the middle of it and also because it is just one more reason for the government in Ethiopia to feel resentful of and cautious of the benefits of international adoption from their country.

I just found out yesterday that CHSFS (another agency) has declared that they are no longer processing any adoptions from Ethiopia, and hear through the rumor mill online today that AAI will be following suit soon too.  I don't know these agency's reasons for stopping adoptions from Ethiopia on their own, but it's not a good sign I don't think.

I feel so sick to my stomach about this.  Sick at the trying to wrap my mind around the need that is there (and in so many places around the world!) for families for these children and the prospect of that need not being filled...and of course I feel sick at even the idea of our little girl not coming home to us from Ethiopia someday.  I know only time will tell and we'll hold on unless we're forced not to, but that realist side of me has really been a downer lately.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Estimated wait time increase (again)

I've got a pounding stress headache and haven't had time to process everything today (since life still goes on spinning and there's ton to do with 3 wonderful little boys to care for)...but I attended a webinar with our adoption agency today.  Among other things discussed today was their recalculated assessment of the current estimated wait time (from dossier submission to referral - so tack on the paper chase as well as time from referral to clearance to come home also).

Mind you, when we signed on with the agency the estimate was 24 months.  Later it became 3 to 3 1/2 years.  Today a real bomb dropped.  They gave an estimate of 4-6 years.  For families like us who are waiting for a 0-12 month old child it will likely be more near the 6 year mark.  I cannot even process that information properly right now.  I vacillate between sarcastic non-shock, anger, and wanting to cry (sometimes between all 3 feelings in less than a minute).  Because I don't even know how I feel I haven't talked to anyone about it yet, but I thought I'd barf out the basic information onto the blog right now anyway.

The AGCI Ethiopia facebook page has been all a-buzz today.  Lots of people freaking out.  The agency is also allowing families to transfer their $6,000 agency fee to another program within AGCI (which is not normally an option) between now and the end of March, so some people are feeling frenzied about what to do between the extended estimated wait time, the unstable adoption climate in Ethiopia, and now the lure of not losing 6K if transferring to another program now (versus say if Ethiopia were to close to adoption down the road).

I feel so drained, confused, emotional...and unsure how I can deal with this roller coaster for nearly 6 more years.

Can I?

I keep asking myself that...and honestly, even though I don't want it to take that long if I knew that it would happen in the end I'd buckle down and say yes, but there's that looming "what if" around adoptions closing down the road in Ethiopia...or the wait taking even longer.

Oh if it just weren't for the greed and corruption that people have indulged themselves in, then children who need homes would be finding their way into families that ache for them so much more quickly.