I regret that I haven't been better at recording my feelings the last two months.
I'll give a quick summary list and then I'll expound for documentations sake...
- We got the amazing news that our file has exited IBESR and has moved on to the courts!
- I got to visit our sweet girls with my mom (short trip, but awesome)!
- I always miss our girls, but have had some days that I have really ached for them. Mother's Day was one of those days that it hurt to be apart.
- We have booked our next visit!
First of all...the news about exiting IBESR called for a little celebration. I had confetti canons purchased just for the occasion...in the colors of the Haitian flag (and American flag coincidentally) as well as party blowers and a poster I made to document the occasion. We popped the confetti and went out to dinner to celebrate!
I had to take one still photo to document the aftermath of the confetti party...good thing I got the ones which are biodegradable!!!
Now to document our visit to visit the girls last month! My mom and I left on a red-eye flight and when I went to check in we found out that our original itinerary (Salt Lake to Fort Lauderdale to Haiti) had been changed to route us through New York. This added a significant amount of travel time to our schedule therefore obviously giving us a much later arrival time. Gratefully we were able to connect with people on the ground in Haiti even though it was getting late there and confirm that our driver would be ok to pick us up at the later time. We were sad to lose most of our first day with the girls though. Other than that the travel went smoothly and we arrived in Haiti excited to get to the orphanage! After a little scare on lost luggage we got that sorted out, met our driver, made our stop at the grocery store and arrived at the orphanage with about 2 hours to spend with the girls before we had to leave them at the orphanage...
Arriving at the orphanage (Monday, April 8th) I have to mention how adorable all the kids looked when we got there. The girls were dressed in cute little matching outfits we left on a prior visit, and several of the other young children were done up so cute too. I mean, they always look cute, but you could tell that the nannies went to extra effort to have everyone looking especially nice.
When we walked into the "babies" room the girls looked confused and were pretty reserved. Eventually they agreed to let us pick them up (I always prefer to wait until they choose to let us hold them) and then we hung out for a bit at the orphanage. The twins LOVE going outside with the older kids so we did that for a bit (and of course the kids swarm you and want to see pictures on your phone)...
Then we headed down the street to the guest house. The girls were extremely quiet at first, but warmed up before too long at all. It was so good to see them, hold them, and just be with them. And I really LOVED seeing my mom hold and interact with her granddaughters too. What a special experience we were blessed to have together.
The next day (Tuesday) community learning partners came to do activities with the younger kids. After that we headed to the guest house and put them in these adorable hot pink jumpers I've been saving for them! We looked at animal books (they are loving animals and animal sounds right now), we played with musical instruments that Mark's mom sent with us, we rubbed cream in their arms that they loved (Mark brought the two scents on his prior trip in February after we bought it from Gloria at Haitian Creole boot camp) and the girls enjoyed choosing which one they wanted!
After playtime we pulled out blankets from Grandma Mary that they may have remembered from February's visit and they went right down without protest (unusual, especially for El). My mom played a song on her phone on repeat and we just relished watching them peacefully sleep.
After naptime we headed back to the orphanage...
I handed the girls over to my mom so I could get a video clip of her walking with them...I love it. You can hear the kids at the creche calling out over the wall to the girls. If you listen you can hear them yell, "Ti mi mi!!" which is the twins' nickname. From what we understand it's kind of like an endearing term for "little twin!"...
This is nurse Mackenzy taking a look at Il's arm. It was thick and swollen with sores from a previous outbreak that ran through the orphanage. She was one of the last kids to finish getting over it. One person told me it was chickenpox, another told me it may have been measles, another said they just didn't know what it was. In any case, Il had a secondary issue from it that she needed to be treated for. As a side-note, El had a cough and runny nose while we were there. I'm sure stuff like that just circulates and recirculates in an orphanage. I am so grateful for the access the girls have to attentive medical care where they live though...and they sure do love Nurse Mackenzy!
My mom brought beach balls that we were able to blow up and play with the kids. We left one in the baby room and took one outside (and brought the girls with us of course). We enjoyed a rousing game of monkey in the middle per the kids decision...
The girls love looking over the while to the road below and watching what is happening.
We were having such a great time outside that the girl's night-time nanny had to end up calling for them out of the upstairs window. We took them up to drop them off and for the first time El got really upset about being left there. She wrapped her little legs around me and gripped my neck and screamed. It caught me off guard since the girls haven't ever done that before. I'm sure it didn't help that it was a new nanny and she hadn't interacted with an adoptive family before, but I eventually had to just set El down and leave the room. We closed the door and my mom and I stood in the hallway anticipating that she would stop screaming and crying. She didn't. It broke my heart. We stood there for maybe 10 minutes waiting for the reassurance that she had been comforted or distracted, but she just kept screaming. Finally we had to leave and I could hear her the whole way out of the orphanage and the entire walk to the guest house. It just felt wrong for me not to be there to hold and comfort her. I felt guilty to waltz back into their lives and then just walk away with her crying and not really understanding when I would be coming back. And for myself... I just wanted to hold her. Gratefully I knew that I could see them again the next morning, but I already started to ache knowing that in just a few days I'd have to say goodbye again.
We got to the orphanage nice and early the next morning and the girls were already ready for the day and outside! They were dressed in these matching dressed that we gave them on a prior trip and with adorable matching shoes that I hadn't seen before! They were walking around seemingly aware of this rare morning time freedom outside. Of course they found the chickens that were wandering the grounds (the love chickens...and all birds)...
My mom and I brought nail polish up to the orphanage with us that day so we let the girls pick which colors they wanted. Consistent with what they've picked each time El picked pink and Il picked blue! You'd think we were just matching their outfits, but the girls picked the colors themselves.
As soon as the community learning partners were done I was told that Il was going to Port-au-Prince for the day. As I've said here before, we choose to keep the girls medical information private (that's for them to choose what to share when they're older)...but it sufficeth to say that she needed to go to have some follow up medical testing done. Of course I was going to go with her, so I ran to the guest house and threw a bag together to take...diapers, wipes, sippy with water, snacks, books, kleenex, etc. I asked my mom if she was ok to hang out by herself with El for the day and then we were on our way pretty quickly. There was also a little boy G. that came to the orphanage recently who had appointments and a brand new addition to the creche a tiny little malnourished 6 month old baby that Mackenzy was tending to. It wasn't long into our drive before little G. and Il both fell asleep on me. That little guy is so sweet and mild mannered and I just soaked in being able to hold and cuddle my little girl, knowing that in a few short days I would be aching to do just that...
I just snapped this picture out the moving car window as we were driving. It was a long day in the car. Other than the short time we got out of the car for Il's testing we were in the car for 7 hours. Considering how long we were in the car one has to give credit to how well behave these little kids were! That's a long time to sit and they were rockstars! We made a lot of stops different places...sometimes Mackenzy would take one of the kids in somewhere, sometimes one of the men in the front seats would run in somewhere, but I never really knew where we were or how long we'd be there while we waited in the car. It reminded me that this must be what it feels like to be a child... to know that things are taken care of and someone else is in charge, but to have no idea how long until you get somewhere, or what you're doing there, how long you'll be there or when you're going home. In any case, all went smoothly amidst plenty of stops and lots of traffic in that busy city. We got back to the orphanage past the time we are asked to return the girls so I took Il in and El was already there. I have to share one thing that stands out to me...the whole day Il kept looking at me and saying, "Abby? Abby? Abigaelle?" and I'd tell her that she was with grandma. So, when we got back to the orphanage she was excited to see her sister. We rushed upstairs into their room and she was pleased to see El...who promptly walked up to her and pushed her (while smiling). El was just ramped up from running around with the other kids and was just playing around, but that was the first time I've ever seen one of the girls visibly show that their feelings were hurt. Il's little happy face turned to a sullen one and he shoulders sunk down. She just stared back sadly while El smiled at her waiting for the normal return of a push and following giggles that would normally happen, but it didn't. I know that Il was just concerned after being away from her sister and everyone/everything she knew all day and El had just been there at home playing with grandma and the kids so she wasn't on the same page. Things resolved quickly and they were both fine (which was refreshing for an evening drop off after the emotional one the night before)...but I wanted to document that little interaction. I do have to say that I tend to think that the same thing would have perhaps happened if the roles had been reversed between the twins and that it had more to do with one being away all day while the other wasn't than that El is less sensitive or anything. I sure do love those two girls and the connection they have to each other is so sweet to watch.
The next day (Thursday) was our last full day with the girls so we opted to skip the community learning partners and snatch the girls straight away to the guest house. Before doing so their nanny Rosita (or "mama Tita") did their hair and had them looking all cute. Haitians do pride themselves on their appearance and looking nice and put together.
So we took the girls to the guest house and showed them the pretty dressed I brought for them. Even though I couldn't be with them on easter 10 days later, I wanted to take them Easter dresses and get pictures of them wearing them. We let the girls pick which dress they wanted (although I was a tiny bit nervous to do that in case they both wanted the same one) and it worked out great! El wanted the pink flowery one with the fancy headband and Il wanted the pretty yellow one with birds and ruffles. They both were happy about putting on something pretty and being told how "Bel" they looked!
How cute are they?? I wish I could show you some of the darling pictures we took where you could see their faces, but not until we have our official adoption decree...
El's headband fell down over her eyes and she thought that was pretty funny...
We went out to the field behind the guest house and showed the girls how to pick dandelions. They loved that...
They were a little unsure about the grass field right at first, but once they got used to it they seemed to enjoy the independence of walking around and exploring. Here you can see where they do the laundry for the orphanage and the guest house...
Sweet little Il.
Adorable El snacking on a pretzel.
Il doing the peek portion of peek-a-boo. I wish you could see the fabulous smile she flashes afterward!
We enjoyed quite a bit of outside time and taking pictures and once we could see that the girls were done we took them inside to cool off a bit, changed their outfits (heaven knows I love to do that!) and gave them a snack and drink. This refreshed and energized them and they got in some sort of hyper-silly mood. We pulled out stacking toys and toys to practice colors but they just threw them all over the place and laughed and laughed...so we gathered all the pieces back up on that and moved on to the flip books and watching Marco Polos. That was fun to see how interested they were to see their brothers and their Papa. They sure do perk up at seeing Mark! I love it. We were even able to do a little FaceTime with Mark before the call failed. After that we took a tour of the medical clinic. The work they do there and at their associated remote clinics is pretty amazing. Once that was done cuddled the girls in blankets and El fell right asleep on my mom. That timing worked well as I needed to take Il next door to the medical clinic because nurse Mackenzy asked me to take her in to the doctor to take a look at her arm. Back at the guesthouse afterward Il fell asleep in my arms for a bit and Alison popped by with Lovenicka for a short visit. Before long it was time to take the girls to the orphanage for their main meal of the day (which they have in the afternoon).
We brought bubbles and pop rocks with us in a purse so that after mealtime was done we could go outside and enjoy them with all the kids! When you break stuff like that out it's always a bit of chaos, but lots of fun. We handed individual little bubbles out to all the kids and I brought a package of pop rocks for each child too. The older kids were especially fun to watch enjoy the pop rocks... they understood the novelty of them better and would put their mouth up to each other's ears to hear the crackling. In a video I was taking one even pops even snaps out of Ezekiel's mouth and hits the camera. Sometimes if I'm a little down that is one of my favorite videos to watch to make me smile.
Once we were all done enjoying the bubbles and pop rocks we decided to take the girls back to the guest house again for a little more alone time before we had to drop them off. We pulled out some fruit by the foot and let them try it. El (as is often the case with food) was more interested in trying it that Il was. As a general rule of thumb we see that El is a better eater and Il is a better sleeper.
After all the fun excitement at the orphanage it was nice to just slow things down and sit together on the porch of the guesthouse and chill. I have a few little videos of us just sitting their hanging out and talking. Their cute little voices are so precious. And when I ask them different questions I love hearing them say "wi!"...so cute!
Once we were all done on the porch we went inside to play and the girls loved getting up on the large bed and dancing and jumping. I played a recording of music from the community learning partners and the girls would dance and do the actions from the songs and they would fall on the bed and just giggle and giggle at one another. I am so grateful to have experienced these precious memories of our girls with my mom and that I can look back at the videos and pictures of those sweet moments to get me through this long hard wait.
When we dropped the girls off at the orphanage that evening El cried again, but this time the nanny was proactive about comforting her. I don't know if she just felt more comfortable and not caught off guard this time or if someone talked to her, but I made sure to make eye contact with her and give her a sincere smile and "mesi". I just kept reminding myself that at least due to the flight changes that caused us to miss most of our first day, we were assigned a later departing flight Friday which would give us a couple hours to spend with the girls the next morning before leaving. I didn't want to say goodbye with tears so I just smiled and reminded myself that we still had time together tomorrow...
...or so I thought. My mom and I got all of our stuff packed Thursday night and planned to be over to the orphanage a little bit early the next morning to help with getting the girls ready and to maximize the time we'd spend with them before leaving that day. Just before leaving for the orphanage Friday morning we had a quick snack for breakfast and my mom looked up with a strange expression and asked, "Why do you have 4 noses?" Yeah. I was worried. She continued acting and speaking strangely and pretty soon we figured out that she'd accidentally taken an Ambient (sleeping pill) that she brought to be able to sleep well in Haiti (after our experiences with dogs, roosters, etc prior). We later figured out that she mistook Ambien for another medication that looks very similar and she took 1 & 1/2 Ambien! I don't know how she could walk at all! Needless to say this was distressing...and right as this was happening Cailyn (the trip coordinator) walked in with the disappointing news that somehow the driver wasn't notified of our flight change and was there to pick us up. He had a meeting he needed to be back for and had to take us early so we didn't have time to spend with the girls after all.
That did me in. I started to cry. Cailyn was kind and prayed with me. She told me to run up and say a quick goodbye so we could leave, but I felt terrible for my mom to not get to say goodbye so Cailyn and I ran up and snatched the girls out of their beds and hurried back to the guesthouse where we took a quick picture (so I could prove to my mom that she said goodbye...I knew she wouldn't remember any of this, which she doesn't) and two of the cleaning ladies whisked them away back to the orphanage. I had to stop them so I could grab each one of the girls for a super quick hug and to say goodbye. They looked so confused about everything that was happening. They were quiet and withdrawn, which is what they do when they are uncomfortable or nervous. It wasn't how I pictured our day or our goodbye going and my heart was so sad, but I had to focus on making sure everything went smoothly with our departure and that we didn't forget anything.
This picture was just taken out of the windshield of our car of a tap-tap in front of us on our drive to the airport...
We made arrangements to stop near the Baptist Mission on our way to the airport to take some pictures of the scenery, but we didn't have time now so I just snapped this out the window as we zoomed past...
Just a video clip while driving...
Gratefully my mom stayed awake and was able to somehow make it through all the necessary security at the airport. I was legitimately concerned that we'd have complications, that someone would question her strange speech, that she'd fall asleep or just fall down...even though it's too bad that things went the way they did with the medication and the earlier than planned departure I'm so thankful that things went smoothly at the airport.
As we left Haiti it felt the same way it did when I was there a few months prior...like the further we lifted into the air that a heart-string attached to my girls was stretched tighter and tighter the further we lifted into the air. And it hurts.
I'm so glad that we didn't run into any issues at all with safety this trip, despite things still being a level 4 travel advisory (the U.S. advised against any travel there). The only thing we saw of any concern were the large crowds at gas stations. People were thronging the gas station with containers they needed to fill with gas, but there is a shortage and so there is understandably some tension there.
The only other thing that was a hiccup on our trip home was that once we made our quick connector in JFK we boarded the plane and then sat on the tarmac for over an hour due to airport construction and weather issues. My mom and I weren't able to get seats next to each other on this flight, but by that time her sleeping pills had worn of gratefully so she was fine. We made it home very late at night and super tired, but grateful for the many comforts we are so spoiled to enjoy. A long, hot shower and comfortable bed felt so wonderful when we got home. And it was so good to see Mark and the boys that I always miss when I am away.
The only other items on the list at the beginning of this post that I should expound on are Mother's Day and our next visit! This Mother's Day was different. During our almost 18 years of marriage I have known pain and longing more Mother's Days than I haven't. It was 5 years of longing before we were blessed with Noah. Mother's Days those years were extremely painful, and I think I will always be aware of women who for various reasons feel a lot of pain on that day...that day brings back a lot of those memories. While I certainly am grateful for the literal gift of being a mother over the last 13 years...the last 6 Mother's Days were also laced with longing for the child we were waiting for. This year we know those two little faces. I miss them. I ached for them more than I have since leaving them at the end of our bonding trip. I decided to accept the ache in my heart and allow myself tears that day, as well as to feel the overwhelming gratitude for all that I have been blessed for. That is certainly something I've learned on this journey...that you can feel pain/sadness alongside joy and gratitude.
And I do have so much to be grateful for... To have been blessed with these two beautiful, clever, sweet girls in the first place. That they are well cared for by nannies and medical staff. That we have amazing people working and advocating on our behalf to get these girls home. That although our wait to meet them for the first time was a long 6 years in the making...that because that wait was so long we were able to save money and miles during that time to be able to have the ability to make several visits to spend time with our girls during this long wait. These are the things I try to focus on when I have days that I'm especially aware of the giant hole in my heart. Of course I can't wait to have them home and to have our family finally be complete, but we truly are so abundantly blessed and I am so grateful.
And speaking of being blessed to have the ability to make visits to the girls!...we have decided that instead of bringing Noah & Lincoln on our homecoming trip to pick the girls up that we are going to take them in July! So we have our trip booked for Mark, Noah, Lincoln and myself to visit the girls! I'm so excited for them to meet their sisters. I'm sad that Max can't come with us, but know that he will bond quickly with them being closer in age to them when they come home.
So that's all for now! Hopefully I'll be better about getting on here to document some of the good and bad mundane days of this wait, but if not then at least I will look forward to shouting from the rooftops when we have our adoption decree! I'm praying that happens before the courts close down for the month of August!!!
