Heartbreak

I allowed myself to start to get excited this afternoon.

I looked at the girls room and thought that maybe in a few days they would be sleeping in those pink beds. I walked by the bathtub and smiled thinking about giving them their first bubble bath. I started thinking about what to pack and what to entertain them with on our flight home.

Home.

I thought we were so close to bringing our girls home. In celebration I allowed myself to disconnect and take a long, hot shower. Washing away the stress and worry of the last week as much as I could.

Then I got our of the shower and checked my phone and it took my breath away. Haiti's borders would be closing at midnight tonight. And confirmed cases of COVID-19 were confirmed in Haiti, which is also so scary and heartbreaking.

I sat on the floor, dripping wet from my shower and let my tears mingle with the water from my shower. I sobbed and sobbed. It was a cry of sadness, of worry, and of exhaustion. I have tried to be faithful and patient. Sometimes better than others. But this journey has gone on for nearly 7 1/2 years. It's taken turns I couldn't have expected, it's timing isn't what I thought it would be, and of course it's been worth it. But... I. am. so. weary.

Of course I texted Chareyl and shot out a Hail Mary email to my contact in D.C. that's been coordinating things on behalf of Senators Lee and Romney. I also reached out to a contact from congress that my brother put me in contact with. I don't even know what I'm asking for. Anything. Anything at all that we might be able to do. This could be a long, long border closure as this virus ravages this country I love. While we wait helpless for our daughters, who have been legally ours for 6 months, continue to live in an orphanage instead of a home and family.

I just want my daughters home.

My heart aches in a new way I didn't know it could ache. How is that even possible?