Both of our hearts started beating fast in anticipation of this moment that we had dreamt of, prayed and fasted for and yearned for the last 6 years (and frankly, as far as I'm concerned...for as long as I can remember).
We didn't know what to expect. I had seen lots of videos of other families meeting their children for the first time (with international adoption). Most of the videos seemed to show families waiting and a nanny entering a room or courtyard carrying their child and placing them in the mother's arms. I guess I figured it would happen something like that. It didn't, but it was perfect.
We walked into the orphanage and turned left to go up a flight of stairs. Alison directed us that the girls room was the first one on the left and that we could just go in! We were actually there and our girls were inside that room?!
We walked in and the "babies" were all in their beds (bunkbed style white painted beds). We didn't realize that we were arriving during nap time, but the girls were awake sitting up in their beds. It was easy to know who our girls were, but we didn't know which one was which. They were each on a bottom bunk in beds right next to one another. I didn't wait at all before approaching one of them and crouching down to talk to her. For the purpose of this blog (until we have our adoption decree) I will refer to the girls as El and Il. I was informed that I was with Il. I talked with her, gently touched her arm and asked her (accompanied with hand gestures) if she wanted to be picked up. She stared at me blankly, so I didn't proceed. Instead I continued to talk to her and play peek-a-boo. After just a couple of minutes she reached her arms out for me to pick her up, and you bet that I didn't hesitate. I picked her up out of her bed and my heart absolutely melted. I was holding one of my daughters. Finally.
Mark had crouched down next to me and was talking with El who was a little slower to warm up to Mark picking her up. The kids at the orphanage don't spend much time around men so it isn't surprising that they were a bit more hesitant with Mark. We were told that it was ok to just pick them up, but taking it slow felt like the right thing to do. We hadn't discussed that, but we are total strangers to these girls. We already love them, but they don't know a thing about us. It felt like the right way to start of our journey of bonding with them on their terms. To have them give their consent in a way to us.
I ended up taking Il over and crouching down next to El and talking to her too.
I think it was good for her to see her sister on my hip and eventually El felt ok about Mark picking her up and we stood there finally holding our girls! They were pretty docile. Flat affect. They weren't protesting being picked up, but you could see that they were cautious about us. They weren't showing off or being clingy or affectionate...which I was so relieved to see. Indiscriminate affection with a total stranger like that is a sign that attachment will be more challenging. We wanted to see some unsurety, but were glad that we took things slowly enough with them that they weren't at all upset by us scooping them up.
Mark and I both walked over to the window to look outside with the girls which they enjoyed.
We talked for a few minutes and then Alison said that we could take them! It was so surreal! We smiled and waved at their nanny and walked out the door, down the stairs, out of the orphanage and outside the metal green gate toward the guest house.
Things may not have gone exactly like I pictured they would with a nanny presenting us with our children and being able to immediately cuddle them or console their cries...but I am so glad. The way everything unfolded was so natural and seamless. Mark and I didn't discuss anything about expectations for that moment (except wanting someone to video it), yet we felt so connected and on the same page with how we proceeded and approached things with that first moment of meeting our girls. It was beautiful.
I have yet been able to talk about this moment of meeting the girls without becoming very emotional. Yes, it was a long awaited beautiful moment. It was also more than that. I can honestly say that for me it was a spiritual experience. While I was overcome with emotion and gratitude the emotion that stands out to me as the most surprising was how unbelievable calm I felt. If you know me...that wouldn't probably be one of the first adjectives you'd use to describe me, especially in situations that would be really important. I'm generally nervous or emotional at times like that. I thought I would probably cry or not be able to fully take in the moment, but I felt utter and total peace. My heart knew with certainty that these two beautiful little girls were meant to come to our home.
I felt overwhelming gratitude in that moment to my Heavenly Father for everything that He orchestrated in our lives and theirs to bring us together, and that out of heartache and trauma that they experienced in the first few months of their lives (both them and surely their mother)...that He watched over them and cared for them through so many people. I felt so grateful that their little bodies were able to become so strong and healthy. I felt grateful for the many nannies, staff, and medical professionals who have tended to them to help them not only be healthy, but happy and to allow their little personalities to flourish. That they have been able to form healthy attachments. I felt grateful for our agency's adoption worker and their in-Haiti rep who had worked so hard on our behalf. I felt such a flood of gratitude for all of these things, and for all of the things that I know will come as part of them joining our family...and yet those very clear feelings and thoughts of gratitude were shrouded in the most calm feeling of peace. It is difficult to describe. I can only explain it as a divine confirmation to me that these are our daughters. That our Father in Heaven loves them and that He loves me.
So, no. That very first moment meeting our girls didn't play out the way I would have anticipated. We didn't rush in and scoop them up, or have them immediately handed to us. I wasn't a puddle of sobbing emotion. The moment was slow. And calm. And it was perfect.
The tears I expected then come now as I replay that moment in my mind...and often as I either miss our girls or when I am frequently overcome with the gratitude I have for how abundantly we have been blessed to become these sweet girls' parents.
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