Frequently during our bonding trip I struggled not to become emotional at the thought of leaving our two sweet girls and going home without them. I couldn't bear the thought. I heeded the advice Chareyl wisely gave me to not allow myself to dwell too much on that during our bonding trip and to savor the time we had there with the girls while we were there. I think I did a pretty good job of that, but on Sunday (December 2nd) I found that I really had to fight back emotion a lot more than other days.
We spent every possible second that we could with the girls that day. Soaked in nap time snuggles. Played. Danced. Smooched. In fact...El really opened up to me and Mark caught some videos of her giving me lots of kisses and even saying "I yuv you!" to me. There are two video clips he took in that last hour of time we spent with them that are the most precious to me from our time with them. They are both just so sweet and funny and cute and I love them so much.
We tried to be really compliant about things we were supposed to do while there (like when to have the girls back to the orphanage), but that last night we drug our feet a little. We brought them back half an hour late and I'm pretty sure that we walked slower than normal when we headed back to the orphanage. I asked Mark to carry both twins so I could walk behind him and snap a couple pictures and because I was really struggling emotionally. Here we are walking out of the guesthouse toward the gate to leave the grounds there...
In this picture you can see the abandoned tap-tap we passed everyday as we walked up to the orphanage...
Here we are approaching the green gate to the orphanage. As we walked through the gate I struggled to imagine leaving those green gates without them and knowing that we'd leave at the crack of dawn the next morning to leave without them. It was so, indescribably painful. I tried to keep a smile on my face since I knew it would just be confusing to the girls and they had no idea what was going on.
When we got inside the green gate, Mark handed Il to me and we each walked up the stairs inside the orphanage to put the girls in their beds and say goodbye. The sun was just going down and their was no electricity at that time in the orphanage. The room quickly began to darken as we put each of the girls in their beds and they cried and protested and that was as much as my heart could take. Tears began to quietly stream down my face. I was grateful for how dark it was because I knew nobody else could see them. We lingered longer than normal, not wanting to leave the room (which is never helpful for a two year old that is protesting bedtime). At this point one of the older girls at the orphanage walked up near me and noticed my tears. She spoke enough English that we told her that we were saying goodbye and had to leave in the morning, which she relayed to the nannies. These were the weekend nannies and they don't have much of a pulse of what is going on as the weekday nannies do. They gave us our space to give some extra hugs and kisses to our two protesting little girls. Then somehow we managed after saying I love you to turn and walk out of that room. My heart physically hurts to even write and think about this again right now. That was such a difficult thing to do, to walk away.
As we walked down the stairs word quickly spread through the older girls at the orphanage that "Mama Abby" was crying and the girls sweetly came to hug and console me. These sweet little girls who have experienced more loss and heartache in their young lives than I likely ever will...they comforted me. It was so tender.
We went with all the older kids and sat in the main living area where we passed out a bunch of treats that we had left. One sweet little boy named Alferado (who I'd been sending pictures to his mama that's waiting to bring him home) even came up and sweetly rubbed my the side of my shoulder to gently comfort me. Another little boy climbed up into my lap and let me hold him, which I didn't even know that I needed but I really did. Eventually the tears stopped falling, though the ache in my heart didn't. We enjoyed a last few minutes with these older kiddos that we had also grown to care so much about and then we had to say goodbye to them too.
Mark and I held hands as we walked out of the orphanage and through the green gate. It was starting to get quite dark at this point and that somehow seemed fitting for how I felt. I just had to keep telling myself that this was just a temporary goodbye. We'd be back to visit and then someday they will come home with us forever.
The next morning we got up at 4:30 and got the last of our things together and our driver came to pick us up for our drive to the airport!
This is a picture of Mark with Keke (who manages the guesthouse) and one of the guards who cared so cheerfully and kindly over our comings and goings during those two weeks. He always had a kind word for the girls when we came and left and we appreciated that. Keke did all the behind the scenes things for us and we could always count on him cheerfully checking in with us at night before we turned in for the evening.
This isn't a great photo, but I wanted to remember how amazing this was. On our drive to the airport very early in the morning (before the sun was up) the streets were lined with people walking to work, carrying their goods to sell at market, and kids starting their sometimes long walk to school. The dedication and work ethic was so impressive to me. Many people were walking on the long road that goes from the city to the mountains and it was apparent that they had been walking for sometime. Just another piece to the patchwork of what makes Haiti what it is...and I want to be able to share those things with our girls someday.
We got to the airport nice and early and got situated in the American Airlines terminal with some tasty croissants (with a delicious melted cheese inside) and a hot cocoa. Yum-o. I tried to focus on being excited to see our boys that we were missing and on looking forward to enjoying the comforts that I've been so spoiled to enjoy at home.
Somehow, taking off and watching the island of Haiti beneath us made leaving the girls feel more official. It was like my heart was stretching from where it was to the ground in Haiti and being pulled only tighter as we lifted higher into the air. I longed for the day that we would take off on a plane like this with the girls in a seat next to us. We had only been away from them for just over 12 hours, but I missed them so much. I kept reminding myself again that this was temporary and to be grateful for that. I am. And I also miss them...
Goodbye to my two sweet baby girls...but just for now.
I miss your sweet cuddles and soft lips giving me smooches. I miss your scrunchy nose smiles and the way you keep tabs on each other. I miss the eyebrow pops and hands reaching up to be held. I miss your dance moves and how you love looking out windows together. I miss your teasing and silliness. I miss watching your daddy put lotion on your arms or your nanny dumping baby powder down your neck.
I miss so many things about you. But I'm so glad that it's just a temporary heartache.
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