The last couple of weeks I've particularly had baby girl on my mind.
Sometimes I just wonder if she's born yet, if she's being fed or held, if she's safe.
Sometimes I wonder if her mother is still carrying her and if something horrible (disease, death or other tragedy) is yet to happen or if her mother already anguishes knowing the upcoming decision is she's going to be faced with due to circumstance. I worry if her mother has support. I worry if SHE has food and if SHE is safe.
Sometimes I feel awful that the blessing and joy that will come into our life has to be preceded by trauma and heartbreak for our child and her first family.
Sometimes I wish that I could just see what was happening with her and her family right now, and other times I think that it may be best that I can't.
Sometimes I feel ashamed at the privilege and excess that I enjoy, and other times I'm grateful that I have it to share.
I have been able to see pictures of someone we know that is in Haiti now visiting their daughter while they wait for her adoption paperwork to process in Haiti. She is a lovely little girl. I can't imagine how difficult it must be each time they have to leave her there now that they have held, cared for and loved on that sweet little person. Looking at the pictures has made me pine a bit more for some progress in our journey. To be a little closer to holding our little girl. We surely have at least another year before we'll see our daughter's face, possibly 2 years until we bring her home...but we've already been actively on this journey for nearly 3 years now. Sometimes it just feels too long. Other times it's just how it is.
I've read lots of adoptive parents in situations like ours write down similar aching that they've had while waiting for their child, only to go back later once they have their child and realize what was going on in their child's life when they were having those stirrings in their heart. I wonder if maybe this is one of those things. Maybe she was recently born into difficult circumstances. Maybe trauma is occurring in her family that will result in her soon being brought to an orphanage. Maybe I'll know someday, and maybe I won't.
...or maybe it's just the rain today.