Heavy heart

I don't even have the energy to write a post about everything right now.  And while I doubt that anybody even checks this blog I feel a need to put my feelings out there.  While talking on the phone with Mark today we both just kept commenting on how heavy our hearts are after receiving an email from our agency today.  Things are not looking good for adoption in Ethiopia...not with our agency, or in general in the long run.

We have so much to think and pray about.  My eyes burn from crying and from staring at my computer screen following the news feed blow up on the private AGCI Ethiopia group.  Everyone is in an upheaval of emotions and, frankly, grief.  Adoption loss is a unique thing that is difficult to explain.  The only way I can explain it is that right now I feel the way I did during our journey with infertility.  I feel like I am beginning mourning not the loss of a child I have, but one that I planned for, thought I would have, and had begun to love.  Mourning the loss of what I pictured and looked forward to.

Because of experiences we've had in the past I believe firmly that things have happened the way they have for a reason.  Timing.  Experience.  I don't know.  What I do know is that in the end things will all turn out how they are supposed to, but right now I just hurt.