Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Tears with glasses

Sometimes I cry and am not completely sure why. That happened to me today. I called Mark at work to try and talk through it, but he wasn't available (totally understandable) I'm turning here instead.

Maybe I'm crying from relief. Perhaps it's gratitude. Perhaps it's from being overwhelmed at how long and unpredictable this journey is. Perhaps it's because I dare have hope that I'm getting closer to meeting our little girl...or perhaps it's out of fear that it could still be so far away.  Either way here's what happened:

I've already shared here about our decision to raise our age parameters on our paperwork, the mistakes/delays that have occurred (like they always seem to) in this seemly easy update...and the self imposed urgency that I've felt about having this document in hand for our adoption worker to hand deliver to our file in Haiti when she goes there in 2 weeks.

This morning I decided to follow up on our application. I needed to know if it was out of the realm of possibility for it to be processed, approved, mailed, and received in the next two weeks or not. Sometimes things can take weeks or months for the government to process and I had no idea. I didn't want to be checking the mail every day for the next 2 weeks if it wasn't a possibility, so I decided to draft a follow up email (after all it was a really good thing I did that the first time I sent this application in, right??)...then I decided to just call.  So I said a nervous little prayer and called.

I gave the man on the phone all the info on our application and he pulled it up. He cheerfully said, "Oh! I'm actually the one who processed your application. I approved it last Friday, so it shouldn't be too long before you receive the approval letter in the mail." .... Say what? Good news? Wahoo! I thanked him, wished him a good day, and hung up before the tears started.

I think I first was crying from relief and gratitude. Then start tears of hope, then fear about hoping too much, then about how long this process has been, then at how lonely this can feel to be crying about this over so many years. I know that I still have so long to go {more tears}, but I am just so anxious to be able to put a face to this child that I already love, long for and weep over. I want to hold her and know her. I want to have a face to show others who this is that I long for and already love. {more tears}

Sometimes I cry and it's just not that simple as to say why. It's all those reasons.

And now that I just got eye-glasses I know not to let the tears flow down and puddle in the rims. I'll just take them off and let them fall. For whatever their reason.

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