This is just so hard

Some days the hope just feels more tangiable than others. Today I feel like I’m teetering on a tight rope. Trying to not look down, but giving-in sometimes which sends me careening into a dizzying flailing of trying to center myself again.

We thought we would have Abigaëlle/Eleanor’s passport yesterday. Then we were told it would be picked up this morning. At this point we honestly just don’t know if it was picked up or not, but I am starting to wonder if there are more problems. The other family from our orphanage that is at our same stage received copies of their passports that were picked up. That leads me to believe that Nathan went in today and was able to get theirs but ours wasn’t ready? I just think it would be strange for him to send a copy to that agency and not send a copy to ours if he had it. Of course I am very excited to hear that the other family got their passports. We love those kids and are praying they will be united with their family soon also… Just the fact that we have the same rep makes me think something else may be wrong with El’s passport and it makes me sick.

Mysterious Ways

I could stay up all night recording times in my life that I have prayed for something, hoping for my prayer to be answered a certain way...or at least expecting that it would be answered one of two ways (generally in an expected "yes" or "no" of sorts to what I'm asking for) - and that it didn't turn out how I expected.

As anybody who believes in the power of prayer can attest, answers to prayer often don't come how or when we expect. And often when I do recognize these answers I don't take the time to write them down, but I want to this time.

Because even though these answers could be waved away as coincidence or too trivial for God to have bothered helping orchestrate, I feel differently. I believe that the subtle ways he has succored me over the last few days particularly have been exactly the way a loving parent would show their love for their child.

Gently.

Personally.

Without expectation of anything in return.

It has been years that we have pled for various things throughout this adoption process. Nine days ago we did something we have done only one other time in this adoption process - we emailed family and friends and asked them to join us in prayer for miracles in our adoption process. Despite reassurances that there weren't plans for Haiti to close their borders to the U.S. very soon, my fears were realized just 3 days later as just that happened. We had just begun to see amazing things happening in the last stages of the girls' paperwork and became hopeful that the answer we were looking for of our girls finally coming home was only days away to have that hope dashed. Honestly it shattered my heart for a bit. Not my faith that the Lord loves me or that He is watching over our girls. Not that I didn't know that my girls will come home, but that the answer wasn't what I was aching for and I didn't know if I was strong enough to keep doing this long, worrisome wait. Not that there is another option.

And the truth is... I'm not strong enough by myself. But He has met me where I am, amidst my shortcomings, and supported me.

The answers to my prayers recently have come in ways that have felt so tender to me. I think the hyper-awareness that these are blessings from Him are part of the answer to my prayers:

1. Noticing less weight to the tangible heaviness in my heart. Not that I don't worry still, or miss my girls... but I can feel a physical and emotional weight that has been so much less heavy.
2. More affection between my boys that are often not that way with one another.
3. A husband who genuinely looks for ways that he can step in and take over whatever is needed at home or with our boys. Even more than he normally does. Without complaining.
4. Texts and messages that someone is praying for me.
5. A package in the mail from a dear friend.
6. Hearing the ways someone I haven't met is advocating on our behalf on the other side of the country for us well after her shift is over. More than once.
7. A thoughtful gift from my parents that offers a visual reminder that this will all work out.
8. A FaceTime call from our adoption facilitator at a time that I thought everything was too much to bear. And her being available to answer my many, many texts recently.
9. People reaching out offering connections to those that may be able to advocate for us.
10. Hearing of immense efforts of those working on our behalf in Haiti despite the huge struggles going on there.
11. A friend dropping off my favorite drink on the porch.
12. Another adoptive mama sending me beautiful article to read and offering prayers and solidarity.
13. Sleeping through the night without diabetes issues. More than once.
14. Just an awareness of increased gratitude for what I already have.
15. A friend sending me a song that she thought might touch my heart.
16. With cancelling all of our activities we have more time. More time to be together as a family.

These are some of the answers I have seen to my prayers (and the prayers of so many people on our behalf). I don't mean to say that the Lord is done blessing us, or that we aren't continuing to ask Him to protect our girls or bring them home...

I am simply saying that one of the answers that I am seeing from a loving Heavenly Father is the clarity I have that He hears me. I know He does. It's the awareness of the blessings being poured out over me that are as much of a blessing as those things being offered. 

When someone else is extending their love right now, I also feel His love. I truly do. And that right there is the mysterious way that I wasn't expecting to have my prayers answered.

...................................................................................................................................................................

On a separate note, in case anyone is actually reading these posts looking for updates...Nathan was going to be bringing the girls to the immigration office today, but he's going to be doing it tomorrow. Hopefully it will be open and that they can get Abigaelle/Eleanor's passport!

Someday this will be REALLY funny

Ok, it's already a little funny (very frustrating, but still a bit funny):

We found out why Abigaelle/Eleanor didn't get a passport... because the passport office cancelled it. They said they already printed it. Nathan told them that there should be two passports - that they're twins. They argued with him. They said the two passport photos were of the same child and that the names were even the same (they are only one letter different). They felt like someone was trying to pull one over on the passport office to get a second passport that could be doctored for someone else! So they just cancelled the second passport! They refused to accept that those were really two different children and demanded that they bring both girls in to the office in person before they would process the second passport!

The Abigaelle/Abigaille name issue has been a struggle at every stage of this adoption process. Mistakes, mix-ups, confusion. I love the names, and I'm grateful to keep them as middle names, but we are certainly as sure as ever about our decision to give them first names that are unique from one another.

So! Gratefully Nathan (the orphanage director) brought the girls in to the passport office to show that they are indeed two different children and... they were not open!!! Ugh. He said that he will take them again tomorrow. Praying they are open. I am growing increasingly nervous that they will soon deem the passport office non-essential (in a country with completely closed borders) and close it for a period of time while they deal with everything going on. I just REALLY want to be sure that we've secured Abigaelle/Eleanor's passport soon for that reason.

Now the good news!... Nathan took the twins in for the medical exam today! Wahoooooooo! Exam results should be done by early next week.

So, no we don't have any good news about how/when the girls will come home with the current situation, but they HAVE to have the medical exams and passports before that can happen so we are so grateful for progress!

It Will All Work Out

No new updates, I just had to document what my thoughtful parents did yesterday. I'm such a lucky lady to have people love and support us like this. I opened the front door to see this:

Hearts on the door. Homemade cookies and the sweetest throw pillow.

I don't know how or when things will all work out, but...

I do know that it will all work out. Sometimes I just need to feel it too.

I feel it.

Not the news we'd hoped for

This post is to serve two purposes:

1. To update anyone who is checking in for updates on what is going on with the girls
2. As a therapeutic writing outlet for me (hence my posts being long as I work through my thoughts & emotions)

So, to serve the first aforementioned purpose I'll rip the bandaid off with the update and then proceed to dump my thoughts and feelings...

We received the news that the U.S. Embassy is not able to issue the girls' visa at this time to get them out with the other Americans being extracted right now after the recent Haitian border closing, so they will not be coming home soon.

According to an email I received from the U.S. Embassy in Haiti, they have received a global policy to stop processing visas for children being adopted internationally with the sole exception of the adoptive parent(s) already being in country (since they are in need of extraction home themselves). This is a clear line drawn in the sand that there isn't a way around as our girls can't leave Haiti or enter the U.S. without an issued visa (and we still don't have Abigaelle/Eleanor's passport yet or the girls' medical exam completed which would be necessary to obtain said visa).

This was not the update we were hoping to get and I have been working through a whole slew of feelings. Here are just some:

"If only___" feelings.
"Why?" feelings.
Worried and scared feelings.
Pleading for comfort/peace feelings.
Feelings of gratitude.
Prayerful petitions for Haiti, for our daughters & the other children at the orphanage.
Desire to strengthen my faith in my savior and rely on Him.

As I mentioned, I'd like to dump a lot of my thoughts and feelings here for therapeutic purposes (yes, that actually helps me) and you are welcome to read them.

Let me start by saying that as I sort through my feelings of fear and grief, I still feel very impressed of the importance to obtaining Abigaelle/Eleanor's passport and the girls' medical as quickly as possible. I have sorted through why I feel this way and and I have come up with a few thoughts:

1. We don't know when opportunity for transport will become an option or when the Embassy will change their policy on adoption visas, but the girls need to be immediately legally available to have a visa issued and leave when that does happen.
2. Because as COVID-19 spreads through various communities it will only become more risky to risk exposure by taking the girls to medical clinics and for them to potentially bring the virus back to the orphanage.
3. If COVID-19 does spread through Haiti it will take no time for the limited medical resources to become overwhelmed caring for the patients needing critical care and bringing children in for a routine medical exam will simply may not be a priority or possibility.
4. Maybe the passport office is eventually going to close since the borders are not open anyway.
5. I may feel this urgency as a divine impression due to one of the reasons above (or a combination thereof) or because of totally different reasons we can't foresee. What I due know is that even though I know a the passport and medical exams won't lead to bring my little girls home right now I feel the urgency of it impressed upon both my mind and heart.

So! That is what I have shifted my prayerful petitions to now. That He will impress that same urgency on those people in places of influence and on those directly in care of our girls, to secure that remaining passport and to get the girls in for their medical exam right away.

Next feeling I'd like to dump: fear. 

I won't go into all the different fearful scenarios that I have to keep in check in my mind. What mother wouldn't be struggling with this emotion in this scenario? And I worry for the country and people of Haiti in general. The sanitation infrastructure is minimal, the medical resources are already not available enough as it is. Doctors in Haiti have been reaching out saying that while the outbreak is only in the very beginning stages (only a couple confirmed cases) that they aren't ready and don't have supplies needed. I fear for the rapid spread and devastation that is possible in this country I love. I fear for the more routine medial problems that won't be able to be addressed for Haitians once the medical system is depleted and overwhelmed also. So many worries. That's just a few of them.

Next emotion I've been overwhelmed with: gratitude.

Concurrent with my sadness and fear I truly have felt overwhelmed with gratitude for those that are caring for our girls and working on our behalf. I'm grateful for the caregivers and administration at our girls' orphanage. I'm grateful for those in the U.S. and Haiti that have been working hard to get the girls paperwork finished and look into options for them come home (even though that latter part didn't work out yet). I'm grateful for people that have gone above and beyond advocating on our behalf over the years, and for people I've never met that have put in countless hours of effort on our behalf after hours during a time that they are facing their own struggles amidst the pandemic going on across the world (because in our own ways everyone's life is being affected). I'm grateful for all our friends and family that have prayed for us over this long 7 1/2 year journey that still continues. I'm especially grateful for the love, support, and prayers that we've had this last week as I have felt weakened to a point I hadn't yet experienced. I'm humbled to know that others are praying for us, for our daughters, and for Haiti. Thank you. You will never know how deeply that has touched my soul and lifted me up.

Last emotion I want to write about: aching for true peace and desire to strengthen my faith

This is harder for me to put into words. I know that the place I can turn for lasting peace is my savior. I believe that I can always work on strengthening my faith in Him. I talked in my last post about being caught in this place where I'm partially in the dark, but trying to face the light. It feels like it is just taking so much more effort to do that lately than in other times of my life, but I'm trying. I want to turn my face to him more completely, to bathe in the warm comfort of His love, to allow him to help carry my burdens, to trust more fully in Him. To surrender.

Face toward the light

💛This is my daughter Abigaïlle (Evelyn). I took this photo almost a year ago on our third visit to spend time with our girls. I love this picture. I love the way she throws her arms back behind her in abandon. ❤️

Half of her face is bathed in sunlight and half is in shadow. This resonates with me right now as I battle to focus my heart on the light of my savior as we struggle with the wait to bring our daughters home. The half of me in the shadow of the unknown is aching and struggles to see past fear & worry for Haiti and my own hurt to be with my daughters and have them home.

Both the part of me in darkness and the part in light plead in faith for a miracle that I know God can provide, if it is His will, to be able to bring our girls home with the wave of Americans leaving Haiti after their country’s recent border closure. 🙏🏽We only have a passport for one girl… We need the other printed. And we need their medical exam done right away so they can leave the country.

I pray with all the energy of my soul that those in positions of influence will do all they can to bring our little girls home before a door closes that could be for a very long time. We just want them here with us where we can love and care for them.

And I pray that once things play out, however that is, that I will be able to throw my arms behind me in abandon and faith like my little girl does in this picture...and turn my face even more toward the light.

We need a miracle

I sent someone a link to this blog recently and I sat and just looked at the url and title of my blog.

waitingforournextmiracle.blogspot.com

One Miracle at a Time

It's true. Each one of our children have come into our lives through their own series of miracles, whether involving adoption or modern medicine. Bringing the twins into our lives has been that also. A series of little miracles all happening at the necessary time. That doesn't mean things haven't been hard or that they've gone how I would have scripted them, but I do believe that the important things have been orchestrated how they needed to be.

One Miracle at a Time was specifically meant to have dual meanings. It references that adding each child to our family has come with its own miracles and that each child is a miracle in and of themselves. It also means that during the process of adding this child (we now know it's children) to our family that there would be a series of necessary miracles to occur and I have certainly seen that over the last 7 1/2 years of this adoption process.

Right now we are praying that it is God's will to provide a really huge miracle. With the borders closed to Haiti we don't even know what to ask for to be able to bring the girls home. I know that we still need Abigaelle's passport, that we don't have medicals done, and that there isn't as of now a way to leave the country...certainly not for us to pick them up anymore as we were planning to (the plan before last night was that we were planning to pick them up next week at the Port-au-Prince airport - they would be brought to us and we wouldn't even leave the airport).

So, we would need some pretty huge miracles at this point if it is the Lord's will for them to come home now. I pray that our will and His align at this point.

I am very emotional about everything people are doing on our behalf. Both on the Haiti and U.S. side. I have mentioned some of those things in prior blog posts. 

Last night I shot off emails to a new congressional contact and my current contact Emily at the joint Senators Lee/Romney team. I wanted her to have all new updated information when she arrived to work in the morning so we could look into options. I ended up getting an email back from her at 10:30 (so 12:30am her time) saying that she'd been trying all night to call the emergency citizen services abroad hotline, but hadn't been successful. She discussed some concerns and assured me that she would pursue every angle she could and that she'd keep me updated. 

Chareyl has also been in frequent contact with me throughout this with calls, FaceTime, and text. I know she recognizes the gravity of this situation and is also exploring every angle available to us at this point. She says that we don't give up until we have looked at every possibility and that there are no options left. There are no words I have to express how grateful we are for her. We felt that way before this week, but in a time of so much worry and vulnerability we feel it so much more potently.

If anybody is reading this... please, please pray for a miracle. Pray that we can get the passport for Abigaelle and that we can work something out with medicals and get the girls home somehow. We love them and just want to care and provide for them and teach them what it is to be in a family that is theirs forever.