An almost celebration

And this is why I didn't announce to anyone yesterday that we got passports...

We were told passports were done and going to be picked up yesterday. I woke up today to find out thaaaat.... Only one printed.

This stuff has happened a lot with the twins. Either an error in the paperwork due to names being so similar, submission numbers being only one number off, etc. I honestly don't know if there is a paperwork issue or if someone just thought they were going to print a duplicate passport and didn't print it?? I'm sure I'll hear soon.

Now for the good news: The embassy emailed me today and said that they will issue medical exam letters today! That is great news. Especially after concerns yesterday that they possibly weren't issuing exam appointments right now. Of course we're praying that the girls get in today to have those medical exams done since it takes a week to get results back, but we are sooo grateful for Nisthone's tenacity in staying at IBESR yesterday until those article 23 letters were finished. So, so grateful.

Chareyl and I have been texting this morning and she is telling me that she was communicating with C4C about the girls late last night, and then with Nisthone early this morning. She confirmed that only one passport printed, but that Nisthone and Nathan have been in regular communication with the Embassy today and I am so grateful for that. I shot an email off to Emily in D.C. to let her know that the Embassy is working hard to coordinate things for us and that I appreciated her efforts in helping light that fire under them for that.

I get the impression that it was just an error at the passport office and that the other passport will be issued today. I am hopeful that is the case and am praying at this point that the medical exams can be issued and take place today. I am very nervous with how long it takes to get those results back that it could end up being too late (with border closure concerns) by the time they come back...so even one day could really make a difference at this point.

Of course we are anxious to have our girls home, but if I wasn't concerned about the borders closing I would be pushing so much for everything to happen so quickly. It sure would have been nice for the article 23 and medicals to have been done any time earlier in the last 10 weeks since exiting MOI so we wouldn't be in this position, but that is where we are now and everyone involved (on the U.S. and Haitian side) is working very hard to get things done. We are beyond grateful for everyone's hard work on our behalf right now.

Please keep praying. I believe it is helping.

"Shaking" things up with real NEWS! (and an anxiety vent)

First of all...to explain the cheesy blog post title...

I'm shaking things up by having actual news to share, and it's meant to be a lame pun referencing this morning. I was awakened by a very heavy, rolling earthquake this morning. My bed was really heavily rolling/shaking and it went on for at least a solid 30 seconds. Let me set the stage simply because it lends a better picture to my emotional state today.

I'm awakened from a dead sleep to the first bigger earthquake that I've ever felt (found out later it was a 5.7). I've experienced smaller ones that shake the wallhangings and make wonder if a very heavy truck drove past or if it's actually an earthquake. This was very different and I woke up instinctually knowing that what I was feeling was something to be afraid of. I had adrenaline for a solid hour, I kid you not. The hyper-vigilance I've been experiencing lately already had me al revved up with anxiety:

Let's give some context and start with yesterday. Yesterday Max had his Endodontist appointment at which we found out that his two front teeth that had been damaged last summer finally had gotten infected and completely died. He had to have a procedure to remove the infection and stimulate bone growth to create an artificial cap to the root (since he's so young and it isn't closed) and then he'll have to come back for a full root canal too. These things are sad on a mama heart anyway, but then I'm worrying about his cortisol response to the pain and stress which shoots his blood glucose high...and when his BG is high his immune system is suppressed....which makes me worry about the COVID-19. And speaking of the virus...due to social distancing measures they couldn't fit both Mark and I back in the treatment room so Mark went back with Max and I waited wringing my hands in the waiting room. I sat on the edge of one of the waiting room chairs trying to touch as little as possible and texting updates on Max back and forth with Max... until I got a call from Washington D.C.

I got a call from a very professional sounding young staffer named Emily from a joint team between Lee and Romney. We discussed our situation and she offered to have a letter signed by Senator Lee & Senator Romney urging attention and possible expediting our case, but that I needed to write the letter (as if them) and send it to her along with another  privacy release form. I communicated back and forth with Chareyl to be sure the contents I was including were appropriate. She let me know that Nathan and Nisthone's meeting DID happen that morning and our article 23 was applied for (hallelujah!) and that it would be done by Friday. That was good news, but I felt hyper-focused on getting this letter just right and turned in before the end of Emily's work day.

Here is the gist of what I included in the letter: I requested for them to follow up with the Haitian passport office about the girls' passports, asked if they would consider waiving the girl's U.S. required medicals (since they take a week to get back and we're super nervous about borders closing), and lastly that they expedite the visa printing and release it to Nisthone. I explained our concerns about borders closing (everyone knows we're on borrowed time) and gave them information that would help them identify us and our girls.

I submitted the letter and supporting documents at 2:30 my time (4:30 back east) so about 1/2 hour before closing in D.C. with a heavy heart because I just knew she wouldn't have time to get the senators' signatures, amend anything necessary and submit it to the Embassy before the end of her shift.

At 8:00pm Eastern time I received an email from Emily that she had finished compiling things and got the senators' signatures and submitted everything to the Embassy in Haiti with the communication marked urgent! I felt so immeasurably grateful for her hard work, and that she surely spent time after hours getting things done so she could get it out that night. I went to bed feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, grateful, and admittedly a bit anxious.

I had a lot to feel anxious about. The whole virus pandemic...trying to do my part to "flatten the curve", worrying about Max, worrying about parents and my grandma, worrying about Haiti, worrying about borders closing in Haiti (and worrying about borders NOT closing in Haiti for their safety). Worrying about homeschool. Trying to think if I'd worded letters well from the senators. Had I reached out to everyone who could possibly help expedite things on the U.S. side, worrying if I'd bothered people too much, worrying how our girls are doing, worrying what the trauma of being whisked away suddenly from everything and everyone they know will be like for them, worrying about potential violence in Haiti, worrying about us and the girls being exposed to COVID-19 during travel and bringing it home, shall I continue???...

And I had no idea that I would wake up to a big earthquake and all the chaos that ensued for a few hours after that! Rumors flying that FEMA was warning of a bigger earthquake coming within the hour. I didn't know if it was legitimate or not so I ran around moving my van out of the garage (in case of power outage), getting the boys' shoes and hoodies on, grabbing a bag of diabetes supplies, water, snacks, flashlights, charging bar and cords, etc. I tried to bring down my anxiety, but it was rough. It did circulate that the warning was either a hoax or misunderstanding and that there was only a 5% chance of a larger earthquake coming in the next day or so.

THEN! I got an email from the U.S. Embassy basically saying that they wouldn't waive anything (the medicals), but that they'd let IBESR know to process our article 23 quickly. I felt defeated. I was grateful for a response, but there was no mention of the passports (so of course I started worrying that there could be a paperwork issue there) and I knew that if we have to do passports they won't issue medicals until we have the article 23 and then the results take another week! I don't think we have that much time.

THEN! I found out that there was damage to our Salt Lake City airport and that they have evacuated all passengers, diverted flights and closed the airport?! I was like...are you kidding me?? I texted Chareyl about that and she ended up calling me on FaceTime. We just spoke a bit about how crazy this ALL is (pandemic, earthquake, Haiti stresses) and she was so supportive and encouraging. She made me cry. On FaceTime so I couldn't hide it. And she assured me that her husband (who is a pilot) assured her that they would get the airport up and running quickly so not to let that be a worry, so that was reassuring. She assured me that she was doing everything she could on the Haiti side.

She let me know later that she'd been trying to call the Embassy all day and they weren't answering, so I began to feel more overwhelmed. I just needed some answers...and I'm trying to juggle 3 stir-crazy kids and figure out 12 different teachers schedules and oversee sudden homeschooling!

I was about ready to crack up and then Chareyl texted me saying that their passports were issued and that Nathan said he was on his way to pick them up! I literally fell on the floor and sobbed when I got that text. Like ugly cry sobbed.

I know we still have other hurdles, but I needed something concrete. Some progress. And that was a big one.

Checking Facebook was a buzz-kill though since people are saying that the Embassy just cancelled their medical appointments (I don't know why yet) and that the Embassy isn't issuing visas as of Monday now. I'm not clear if they are actually not issuing visas or just not doing visa appointments (which the girls did months ago). I'm trying not to panic about that as things change daily and I don't have details, but that got me back down until...

Chareyl texted me again and said that Nisthone went back to IBESR and stayed there until they issued the article 23 letters!! Are you kidding me? That was such amazing news!! That means that when I wrote back to the Embassy after they denied our medial waiver asking them if they were willing to submit the medical appointment prior to the article 23 being complete (figuring that could save a day or two, which matters at this point)...that they don't even need to make any exceptions now. Just issue our dang medical appointment! And then pray that Nathan takes the girls right in. Then pray that they get results back as fast as possible (and yes I do know this is still Haiti, and Haiti in turmoil).

I don't expect that anyone else will probably ever read this long boring re-cap of my last two days, but it has been cathartic for me to sit in my dark kitchen after midnight and just type, type, type out all the stresses of the last two days.

Now I have room to take on whatever tomorrow brings. (And I'm hoping that includes medical instructions!)

Aching and urgency

Aching:

Nothing concrete to report since my little post 3 weeks ago. It is probably enough to say that I didn't think it was possible to yearn more to have our sweet girls home than I have...and yet I do. The aching to have them home seems to increase exponentially every day.

When we were 2 years into our adoption journey (which started in Ethiopia) and things fell through we felt pulled to Haiti, but the thought of having to wait up to a year after meeting our child/children was my only real hurdle with starting our process over and beginning things in Haiti. Of course it is worth it, and no I shouldn't center myself in the adoption triad (much more trauma and loss has happened with the other two parties involved)...but sitting here 17 months later after having finally having held my girls and still not having them home has become exquisitely painful.

I ache to hold them again.

"The plan" was that if we signed on to adopt from Haiti that we would visit our child/children every 2-3 months while we waited to bring them home. The plan. Always a silly thing to have when adopting. Although it did work (with some stress/worry involving dangerous situations in Haiti) for us to visit every 2-3 months for a while. Until it didn't.

For 6 years we saved credit card miles to be able to make several visits to Haiti. We made 5 amazing visits to see our girls. To get to know them. To document them at those ages. To begin (an admittedly interrupted) bonding process. On my last visit Eleanor ran to me upon my arrival and threw her arms around my neck calling out, "Manman!!" (Mama) I celebrated their birthday with them and was sure we would be back weeks later to pick them up.

And then things took longer than expected. Again. And then there was another lockdown. And then our paperwork seemed to get stuck.

Now it's been 6 months since I've seen our girls. We kept thinking that we'd get our passport anytime. Every day I wake up hoping today will be the day.

Urgency:

I see your aching and I raise you one with obsessive urgency. That's where I am right now.

Eleven days ago the U.S. Embassy raised the travel advisory to its highest level. Level 4. To the same travel advisory as Afghanistan, Iraq, North Korea...

I knew that kidnappings were becoming more of a problem, and I knew that the Haitian police and military did just get into a shootout agains one another in the streets. I knew that Carnival was cancelled due to violence. I know that things get "hot" in Haiti quickly, but all of that happened in a level 3...including the country lockdown. So why the change now? It made me realize that things must be much more dangerous than I realized and after looking into things found that was the case. In addition to violent protests the kidnappings have spiked tremendously, including 12 foreigners during just the first 9 weeks of this year.

I began looking into armored services and guards. Who has used them? What would our pickup trip look like?

While bathing in all the hypotheticals of our pickup trip I also began to steep in growing worry over a growing epidemic called the Coronavirus. It spread from China to Italy and I could see that with the lack of measures being taken that it wouldn't be long before it came here with international travel.

Bam. And here it is. Along with declared pandemic status as of Wednesday. School is cancelled, we are social distancing (some of us more than others) and I am watching as countries understandably close borders.

And here's where the urgency comes in. Literally NOTHING has changed on our paperwork in the last 2 months! Nothing. No passports. No article 23 (and therefore no medicals)...and visa comes after that. And at midnight tonight Haiti is closing her borders to the DR, Europe and Latin America. Apparently they changed their mind and decided to leave their borders open to the U.S. after arrangements were made with U.S. officials that people traveling from the United States would have to provide documentation of negative COVID-19 status (that's what the virus has been officially called).

Let me be clear. Haiti needs to close her borders. I can't even fathom what a highly contagious virus like this would do in the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere (Haiti)...with the state of the economy and lack of medical resources, people's immune systems already being weak due to lack of food, and conditions that lend themselves to facilitate an even faster spread.

My urgency is that...things are rapidly spreading in the United States. I think we'll see full border closure soon, and I think we'll see the same with Haiti. And then we won't be ABLE to get the girls home! Then not only will they not be here - with their home and family, but they'll also be vulnerable in a country being increasingly dictated by gangs controlling resources and the economic fallout of a virus decimating their island. This is of course my take on things. Nobody knows how it will progress, but with Italy and Spain on complete lockdown and doctors in Italy having to decide which patients get ventilators and which patients die...I can only imagine how bad things will be in Haiti.

I feel absolutely panicked about doing everything in my power to get our girls home.

There's only so much I can do, but I did reach out to family and friends asking for their prayers. The last time I did that was 17 months ago and 8 days later we received our long awaited referral. I have many other examples of combining faith and prayer in my life, and I felt impressed to swallow my pride and reach out pleading for everyone's prayers. That we would find intervention on our behalf to get the girls home before borders close.

I also wrote both of our state Senators and the U.S. Embassy in Haiti yesterday. I've been communicating with our adoption facilitator (Chareyl) and followed up with phone calls to both Senator's offices today. By the time I called the Embassy to follow up it was 1:45 here, but it was 3:45 there and they had just closed 15 minutes earlier. I felt like I had failed.

I was so grateful to get a return phone call later in the day from Senator Romney's office. He called to let me know that he'd like me to fill some paperwork out and sign a release giving their office to speak on our behalf. Ummm...yes! Their is a joint team between Senator Lee's and Senator Romney's office that has international social workers familiar with the adoption process and climate as well as resources and connections that they can offer as they advocate for us.

I compiled all the information they needed and sent things over to them as quickly as I could, but missed getting it there before closing by about 5 minutes. Grrrr. Hopefully I'll hear from them in the morning and if not I'll call to make sure everything was in order because I need them to reach out to the Embassy in Haiti while they still have time to do anything before the end of their work day.

Also, Chareyl let me know that our agency rep and our orphanage rep are going to meet tomorrow morning. I pray that happens, as the last several meetings have turned into no-shows. If that happens and we get passports then I think we are in business...especially if the Embassy is able/willing to waive the girls' medicals (which will take a week to get results back) and expedite their visas.

If this all falls into place (God willing) then we could be picking up our girls this week. I will continue to push on the U.S. side and Chareyl will continue to push on the Haiti side and I pray things will come through before borders close. If they don't I will be heartbroken, but I will know that I did all that I could.

And then I will have to find a way to fall back on my faith.

In the meantime I prefer to use my faith as a driving force. Something active. Something powerful and able to work miracles...if that is what is meant to be.

I pray it is.

Heart explosion

I received a video of the twins today from a sweet adoptive mama who was at the crèche today. My heart just about exploded just at seeing the notification that Leah sent me a video!!! Here it is:

People. Their smiles. Those matching outfits that we left for them on another visit. Hearing them say Manman (mama). I just can't.

I am here to tell you that your face can almost crack from smiling so hard with adoration AND you can sob with the ache of missing someone simultaneously.

I miss them so much, but my heart is over the moon to be able to see a video of them. To see them, hear them and know it is from today is the closest I ever get to feeling connected with them while we wait.

My heart really needed this today. I am so grateful.

I can't wait to be reunited with them soon and not have to say goodbye this time.

Mixed emotions and a bunch of ifs

So yesterday I got an update. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but at least it was an actual update and not hypotheticals, right?

I have been hoping that we would receive the girls passports any day. It's been over 6 weeks since we exited MOI and passport application is normally done quite quickly after that, so we were hoping to have those and article 23 done any day. Well, yesterday we received copies of the girls' applications for passports. Not copies of their issued passports, just copies that the application had been done... and it was only dated the day prior (February 19th). I felt sad that we weren't as far along as I had hoped, but at least we had concrete confirmation of where we are in the process. Just having information goes a long way. Now we just pray that there aren't any paperwork issues or hang-ups in issuing their passports! And as an added bonus I got to see their cute faces! It's amazing how much alike they look!

While we are waiting for passports to be issued we just need our orphanage to provide supporting documents to our agency's rep so he can apply for our article 23. Once that is done we can issue paperwork for required medicals to be done. Hopefully that can be completed while we wait for passports because those are the three things needed to apply for visas to bring the girls home! (article 23, medicals & passports)

So, if everything went smoothly (which one can't hold their breath for in this process), and if passports only took the projected 2 weeks, and if we get the article 23 and medicals done while we wait for passports, and if their visas go quickly, and if it is safe to travel... IF all those things happen I'm thinking that we'll be bringing the girls home the second week of March? Time will tell...

More waiting and worrying

It's been nearly 2 weeks since I posted last and unfortunately I don't have any news on our girls' paperwork (passports, article 23, etc) or when we can bring them home.

Let's start with happy stuff first!
Last week I did get some pictures of the twins which was so wonderful. It made me happy-cry to see their little faces. Their hair is starting to grow back from being shaved and they are looking so much more grown up!! The picture in the matching striped outfits (which we brought for them on a prior visit, so that was fun to see them wearing them) was taken a couple of weeks before the other picture...and you can tell with the hair length. Evelyn is striking the same pose in both pictures which really cracked us up too...

Now the sad and worrisome stuff...

Four things.

1) A 3rd scheduled article 23 appointment was missed and not completed for the girls and we have received no verification if their passports have even been applied for.

2) There has been a sharp increase in numbers of kidnappings in Haiti. People are becoming more and more desperate and resorting to such measures. This makes me fearful.

3) There was also a fire 3 days ago in an orphanage in the same city where our girls live. 15 children perished in the fire. That hit really close to home and paralyzed me with worry and grief for a couple hours after hearing it, and has continued to weigh heavily on my heart. Not only did it hit close to home by situation and proximity, and broke my heart for those innocent children and traumatized caregivers...but things like that have always been a big fear for me for our girls. It took an hour and a half for firefighters to be able to respond and when they did they had very limited resources to fight the fire. Because of issues with their generator the orphanage had no electricity and had resorted to candles which started the fire. I can see how something like that would happen in Haiti, except in this case the tragedy is compounded by the fact that the non-profit running this orphanage had lost their license and continued to operate anyway and with (obviously) subpar resources despite the fact that the organization brought in millions in donations. This makes me furious and like I said compounds the tragedy since it would have been preventable if available resources had been properly allocated. Just so, so sad.

4) I just read tonight that police have set fire to stages for next weekend's Carnival celebration as part of their own protests. I can't imagine that will go over well and am bracing myself to see what tomorrow brings.

Chareyl said that she has been asking for answers about why the article 23 isn't taken care of and if passports have actually been applied for, but she hasn't received a response yet. She is wondering if there is possibly a paperwork issue they are working out, and that they will explain what had to be done in retrospect once it's finished instead of telling us upfront what needs to be done. It's the lack of information that makes me feel crazy though. I just wish I knew what was going on.

I just want to bring our little girls home.

Much to say about nothing

I'll start out with the ending... there isn't any new news since we exited MOI (which was 4 weeks ago yesterday).

Honestly, I was hopeful that finally exiting meant that we would have our passport quickly, we'd get our article 23 & medicals done while we waited for passports and when we got all of that our visas would happen shortly afterward and we would have had our girls home by now. Obviously that's not the case. Here's the short version of the story...

Due to a tragic personal situation in the life of one of our reps, things haven't been happening. Article 23 appointments have been missed and passports haven't been applied for. That was really hard to hear, but when put in context of the situation understandable. Interestingly enough I put this man's name on the prayer list at our temple 2 weeks ago prior to knowing about any of this. My prayer is that he and his family will feel comfort and support as they grieve and that he will be able to find the strength to do what he needs to at work to both support his family and to help the children at the orphanage in his care go home to families that are waiting for them.

Of course we miss our girls and are aching to have them home in our arms. It has been 5 months since we visited and otherwise we've normally visited every 2-3 months since meeting them for the first time. This has felt like forever. I know we've been very blessed to have been able to make those visits, but I feel worried that that we are taking steps back in our bonding process. We've made progress each visit and I had some break throughs in September, but then we just disappeared (from their perspective) for 5 months. That's a long time to a 3 year old. And I worry that it will complicate helping them feel secure during our attachment process and them feeling confident in it being permanent once it actually is. All we can do is pray that we get passports soon and I am very, very hopeful to have the girls home by the end of February.

All that being said, we are trying to make really good use of this time we have prior to the girls coming home. I took a girls' trip to Hawaii (which when we booked it I thought it was very likely that I'd have to miss out with how late it was booked). We've been fitting in lots of family and one-on-one activities with the boys (campouts, dates, skiing as a family, temple days, etc). Trying to fill their wells with lots of attention so when the hard work of bonding and attachment happens and a lot of attention goes to the girls that the boys aren't already starting out with an emotional-deficit, you know? In that vein...when we found out a few days ago that our passports weren't actually almost complete, but rather that they haven't been applied for - Mark and I decided to hurry and book a one-on-one trip for Lincoln and myself! (Yes, I'm spoiled). Here's the story on that:

When Noah was 11 years old I took him on a one-on-one vacation to Universal Studios Florida. It was awesome. Mark and I felt like doing a one-on-one trip with each child was important and doing it at that age right before going into junior high and all the changes that come with that would be a smart time. So, we told the other boys that for either their 11th or 12th birthdays we'd do the same thing for them. Now fast forward...

We received our official referral for the girls just before Lincoln's 11th birthday and left for Haiti 5 days after his birthday. So, obviously, no trip for him that year. Then we were hopeful that we'd be bringing the girls home by his birthday the next year so we didn't want to invest in planning anything ahead then either! So, he turned 12 almost 3 months ago now. With the new information of another little delay we decided to jump on planning that trip and he and I are going to Disney in 3 days! I am praying that we'll get good news while we are gone and the trip (especially amidst the crazy winter weather) is another welcome distraction to the hard wait here at the end of this journey.

So! Hopefully the next time I write on this blog it will be to say that we have passports and that we'll be bringing those two amazing little girls home soon!