Personal answers to prayers

I was reading my scriptures this morning and read something that gave me the impression that I needed to write down some of my experiences from the last week. I hesitated to put them here initially for two reasons. First, because sharing spiritual things is personal to me. And secondly because nothing is concrete yet and I don't want to put the cart before the horse. However! I realized that moving forward, once things are more sure, that I will have new feelings and experiences to share (that I may feel more confident sharing...or shouting from the rooftops). I feel like I need to record this now in order to preserve this part of our child's story and also to honor my Father in Heaven and rejoice in Him.

So! We have been aware for some time that our agency has been advocating for us to receive a specific match (no we have no information on the child). During the month of September we really ramped up our prayers as we knew that this match had to have a document fixed on their end to be paper ready and needed to also be signed off by the children's judge in Haiti.

While my kids always pray for their sister, last week I gave them more specifics about what we knew about this potential match our agency is advocating for us. I told them that I felt that we needed to pray specifically that if this is the child Heavenly Father intends for our family to please help the judge to sign the document and move the file on to IBESR.

On Tuesday (one week ago today) I kept feeling the impression all day that I needed to reach out to others to ask them to pray for us. I was resistant to do so because I've done this before. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to get attention, or that I'm ungrateful for all that I've been blessed with...but I kept having the nagging impression that I needed to do that. I even woke up in the middle of the night (I'm a VERY sound sleeper) thinking that I needed to be obedient and do that. So! First thing Wednesday morning I got the kids off to school and then immediately followed that impression and wrote a post for social media and sent a few texts off to close friends/family.

After finishing doing that I knelt down in my family room and poured my own heart out in prayer. Now I pray everyday. I know that God hears all my prayers, but I don't always FEEL Him hearing my prayers. This prayer was special. I felt such a connection. I felt HEARD. I was able to open up in prayer in a way that I haven't in a long time. I also prayed for Sarah that she would be able to get her referral soon and see her daughters face, and specifically for 2 other women I know who are waiting to bring their children home. My prayer felt cleansing. Refreshing. I felt His love. I had such an amazing confirmation that He loved me, and that His hand is guiding our adoption and watching over our child.

When I was done with my prayer I wiped away my tears, blew my nose a few times and eventually went to look at my phone. When I turned my phone on there was a text already waiting from Chareyl telling me that the judge had singed the papers, they had been submitted to IBESR for matching and that our rep was advocating for us to receive this match.

Of course I was over the moon about this amazing news, don't get me wrong. However, the timing of how things all went down served as such a solidifying confirmation to me that God was orchestrating all of this. He knew my heart, He heard my prayers and those of others praying alongside us and answered this way to signal this to me. It was exhilarating and humbling. I was so excited and grateful.

Before finishing up what I have to tell I'd like to share the post I put up on social media for documentation sake:

I have a prayer request - not to pray for me, but alongside me. I feel vulnerable to ask for this for two reasons: I don't want it to seem like I'm looking for attention or that I think I have the corner on the market for struggling (I know many people have much heavier burdens than I do, and there are bigger crises in the world than what I'm dealing with)...and secondly because I fear that I come across ungrateful (I know that I am blessed far beyond what I possibly deserve). 

That being said - I believe in the power of prayer. I have seen it work miracles in my life and in my own heart. I absolutely believe that it was collective prayers that brought our oldest child into our family years ago through the miracles that occurred prior to his adoption. So! I am hoping that those who feel so inclined would be willing to pray alongside our family for the child we are waiting to adopt. 

Today marks 6 years since we first started this journey. We still have a long way to go once Haiti presents us with a match, but we are so anxious for that to happen. While our paperwork has been done (and redone, and redone...) for some time now, children in Haiti also have paperwork that has to be complete before they are eligible to be matched to a family. We know that God knows who we should be matched to. He knows who will join our family. Our prayer is that she doesn't need to wait any longer than necessary, that her paperwork will be completed & a match issued to our family, and that in the meantime she will be well cared for and looked after. We pray specifically that signatures that are needed will happen and that those processing the paperwork will complete it.

Thank you to each of you who have supported us over the last several years of this process. I haven't posted often on social media about our adoption, but vent to my blog now and then (waitingforournextmiracle.blogspot.com) and always post any updates there. I posted this morning about the relevance of today for me. Feel free to read it if you'd like. 

We always welcome questions about our adoption, but reluctantly haven't had any progress to share. We hope that will change soon! Thank you in advance for your faith, prayers and continued support. We love this child already, even before knowing her face, and can't wait to be one step closer to her joining our family! ❤️

So that is what I shared. It's not that what I shared was anything impressive, but I feel like it weaves itself into the timing of our story and it reminds me to follow through on promptings that I'm given. I know that He already knew what I would do and was ready to bless me...especially with the opportunity to feel so close and connected to Him. 

After that we doubled down on our prayers that IBESR would approve our match. Just yesterday I received a text from Chareyl telling me not to freak (she knows me), but that the college of matching at IBESR has just approved us for the match they have been advocating for on our behalf! The next step is waiting for an official payment request from IBESR, which she is hoping we will have by the end of this week!!! I know that nothing is set in stone until they officially accept our payment and issue the match, but this is HUGE. We are so very grateful. Chareyl touched on how much has gone into this match and the God is moving mountains for us and I don't doubt it for one second. I can't wait until we officially have this match and we can be privy to hearing what some of those seen miracles are. And I don't doubt that there are many that will go unknown also. God is so good! I am so grateful. I share all of this to share our excitement and because I feel compelled to be complete in telling our story, but also to glorify Him.

So we are praying, praying, praying and looking forward with hope to the next step which will hopefully be very soon.

6 years ago today

As humans we seem compelled to measure time. We use watches and calendars, we celebrate dates like anniversaries and birthdays...and we either honor or distract ourselves from landmark dates that can be painful - like the date we lost a loved one. October 3rd is a strange date for me to recognize and brings mixed emotions.

Six years ago today we took our first concrete step in our current adoption journey. We had planned our whole marriage on pursuing international adoption of a child/children (long before we knew that we would have fertility issues ourselves). The decision of when to start down this specific road, and with what country, was a long journey itself...so when we had narrowed things down to a country and a specific agency, starting that journey was something exciting to be celebrated. We had no idea how long the road ahead of us would be...or how painful and unexpected some of the changes would be. Still it is all being interwoven perfectly by Him. I believe we are waiting to adopt from the right country for our family at the right time with the right agency. I believe that the rollercoaster we've been on has been purposeful and that there are many things (some seen, some unrecognized) that were necessary for us to learn...and that we continue to learn.

So! While today marks 6 years since we started this journey...and we still don't know our daughter's face. I simply cannot let the day go by without recognizing it. Partly in joy at being able to be so far along in this journey, and honestly... increasingly in sadness at how many years have gone by and that we still don't know her yet. It is sometimes overwhelming when I think about the road we still have to travel once we are matched (it will likely take somewhere in the ballpark of 9 months to a year to process all of her paperwork after we take our 15 day socialization trip to meet her).

The best way I have explained how I feel right now is that it's how I felt several years into our journey with infertility. We had been through so many medications, injections, surgeries and procedures...and we so desperately wanted to be pregnant. We knew that the 9 month journey once pregnant could be difficult, possibly painful or unpredictable - but we were ready to face that new challenge, and to have the hope that our child was on their way to us.

That is how I feel now. I feel like we have waited so long and been through so many painful and unexpected turns in this process...I know that the wait after we meet her will be a long, difficult, possibly painful and unpredictable - but we are ready to face that new challenge. I long to know that she is concretely on her journey to joining our family. I long to know her face. I long to hold her. I long to know her little personality and quirks. And I pray that next year when I am posting my 7 year post that it is full of information about bringing her home.

Here is a rundown of our journey by dates:
October 2012 turned in our first application to adopt from Ethiopia with AGCI
November 2014 required to terminate our adoption with AGCI (as they closed their program)
December 2014 we signed with Wasatch to adopt from Haiti
April 2015 new dossier complete
August 2015 officially entered IBESR in Haiti to wait to be matched to a child
***HOPING that I will be able to say October 2018 matched to our child!!!

And because I enjoy a trip down memory lane, here are the last three years' posts marking today:
5 years waiting
4 years waiting
3 years waiting

Age update approved

On August 20th we received our I800a update approval for our new age parameters. It was approved on August 14th. Chareyl actually emailed me on the 20th to say she'd received her copy of the approval and already sent it off to Haiti before I'd even gotten to our mailbox to see our own approval letter that day!

So! We're back to...just wait and pray. There isn't much else that we can do other than hope the referral Chareyl has been advocating for us goes through. I hope it's soon. I'm feeling so weary.

Tomorrow marks exactly 3 years since our file entered IBESR in Haiti. It's been more than 3 years 8 months since we signed on to adopt from Haiti with Wasatch. And we're only 5 weeks shy of hitting our 6 year mark since we started this entire adoption process. We did have 4 weeks between ending our adoption from Ethiopia and officially starting with Haiti, but this whole entire journey has gone on for nearly 6 years. And we don't even know who our daughter is yet! And then we likely have a  year long roller coaster to get her home once we do meet her. I truly am weary. Ready for the next stage. To see her face. To hold her. To have smaller steps in the journey to bringing her home.

Last night Lincoln (our 10 year old) started talking about things he may want to put on his wish list for Christmas. Then he switched gears and told me that there really are 3 things he really wants the most in life. He proceeded to tell me that in order of importance, what he wants the very most is for his sister to come home *melt* followed by a dog and then thirdly that he'd love a gaming system.

Praying this is our last pre-referral update!!!

Today we picked up our updated homestudy and overnighted it via FedEx to USCIS (immigration) to have our parameters officially changed to 3 years old (instead of up to 24 months). She'll likely be a year older that whatever age she is when we meet her once we finally bring her home. While this is still considered very young for an international adoption these days, this was a big change for us...but we feel good about things. We know that Chareyl and her rep in Haiti have been tirelessly advocating for us and there is a potential match that is close to referral that they are hoping will be matched to our family. We don't know anything about her, but we are so anxious to get our referral so we can see her sweet face. We are hopeful that we could get a payment request soon (since we know that the document in her file that needed to be fixed is complete)...and once a payment request is sent a referral should happen shortly thereafter. 

So! There was a brief minute there where we had something to DO that we had control over decisions, following up, double-checking paperwork (we've learned the hard way to do that, and I'm glad I did since we caught an error before submitting it)...now we're back to just waiting. And praying like crazy of course.

Here is a picture of Max and Lincoln after we picked up our amended homestudy. Max is pretty pleased with himself about the bunny ears.

We know there is a still a long road ahead, and there will be more papers to fill out...but we are sooo hopeful that we won't have to renew anything with our I800a yet again. Hopefully ever. I hope the next time we need to communicate with USCIS it is to apply for our I800 regarding our specific child's immigration application!

Blog-therapy

Honestly I don't have anything news-worthy to tell here, but sometimes it just helps me to write so I'll consider this a "blog-therapy" post.  Besides - it's been 5 months since I posted last, so I'm gonna ramble!

Last week we hit exactly 5 years and 9 months since we started our adoption process...and today makes exactly 3 years and 7 months since we started the process from Haiti (after changing from Ethiopia). Next month it will be 3 years since our file was formally accepted by IBESR (the Haitian government agency in charge of officially matching us to our child).

So! We have been stuck at the same stage waiting for a match for a very long time (only compounded by how long we were already waiting before having to start over). Renewing home studies, renewing fingerprints. Worrying through hurricane seasons...and various political unrest.

Which brings me to this month. It has been a rough week in Haiti the last week. After the Haitian government announced that there would be drastic increases in fuel costs (between 38-51% depending on the type) there were huge protests. The protests turned violent and even deadly. People were forced to shelter in place for days and all flights in and out of Haiti were even cancelled. I was so worried about the state of things there, what that meant for children at the orphanages (Did they have enough food available at the orphanage? What if a storm/flooding hit and contaminated the drinking water while they couldn't leave? Were the nannies safely at the orphanage with the children? What if a child needed medical attention?....etc, etc)

My mind became caught in a cycle of unproductive worry and hypotheticals. What if with UN forces having pulled out of Haiti they couldn't get the protests in control on their own? What if the people now angry with their government leads to long-term political unrest or a coup? And of course I worry about how all of this will delay or affect adoptions...will this further delay us meeting our daughter? Will the delays cause the child we are potentially be advocated for a match to (no I have zero information on this child) take so long that she'll age out of our approved age parameters?

I tried not to dwell too much on the news reports and violent images found in the media, but it is hard to glean information without seeing them either. Reports from people on the ground were grim at first, but over the last couple days we have been hearing more encouraging information about things slowly going more back to "normal" (with appropriate caution of course). Yesterday a girl I've been able to communicate with online (that actually went to high school with me) received her official adoption decree for her son!! If that's not miraculous, I don't know what is. For something that big to happen right on the tail of such turmoil in Haiti was so encouraging to see...and at the same time I want only that much more desperately to hear good news of our own. This girl is adopting through our same agency and entered IBESR just a couple months after we did...and they are at the final stages of bringing their little boy home in the next few months! It is wonderful and I'm so happy for them! The sting of wanting to be traveling that part of the journey ourselves alongside them feels so much more apparent to me right now though. 

I know we have such a long road still to travel after meeting our little girl, and that makes me all the more anxious to get going with that stage of the process. We have been waiting for so long to meet her. To see her face. To know anything at all about her. To even have the option of flying down to see her an hold her while we are waiting. To feel justified in getting her room ready and using her name.

I have felt this ache before. I have traveled this road and felt this yearning...just not for this long consecutively. Don't get me wrong - I'm grateful for the 3 children I've been blessed with, but our family is not complete and I just yearn to be to that point. To de-mystify things. To know her. To touch her little face. To have at least some answers. To be able to show people her picture. For her brothers to see her face!

I could go on and on about this aching, but let me at least say something I have been grateful for. The connection to people who are going through this process also. I cannot imagine not being able to reach out, ask questions, and connect to other mamas going through various stages of this process. To share in their worries and share in their joys. 

One way I recently have seen the hand of the Lord sustaining me in this process recently was through someone He has recently put in my life. At the beginning of the month the prayer list was updated (for those who have been waiting a long time for a referral) on the Adopting from Haiti FB page. For families waiting 26 months or longer in IBESR for a referral (we're at 35 months this month) they take off any families who received a referral the prior month and update the number of months waiting for other families. When I was looking through the list I got curious about families who were close to us in number of months waiting. I clicked on the profiles of a few families that have been waiting within 2-3 months longer or shorter than us and one caught my eye...when I peeked at one family's profile, their most recent post was asking if anyone had a spare iPhone that they could use for their son's CGM! We had just posted the same thing the week prior for Max. Say what?! Someone on this site who has also been waiting forever for a referral that ALSO has a child with T1D??! I fessed up to my facebook "stalking" and left her a comment saying that we also had a T1D and she quickly messaged back. Before long we had exchanged phone numbers and began to send each other Marco Polos (an app for video messages). Finding someone else who could relate to the 2 biggest stressors currently in my life (the long adoption process and T1D) was so amazing. It has been so amazing to get to know her, and uncanny how many similarities we seem to have (we even share the same birthday)! The support I have felt from being able to communicate with Sarah came at a time when I so desperately needed it. In fact, I don't know if I fully realized how much I needed it...but I know that He did, and I'm so grateful. We're praying that somehow we could be blessed to receive referrals for our little girls from the same orphanage so we could try and meet one another in Haiti since we live on opposite sides of our country. That would be so amazing. In the meantime, I'm so grateful to have each other to support one another during this sometimes agonizing wait...and to talk diabetes and life in general along the way.

The last thing I wanted to mention is that Chareyl has given very little information (which I understand that she can't say more), but that they have a match they have been advocating for us...and that there is just a document missing that needs to be fixed and then we could potentially be ready for a referral if IBESR approves it. That is a lot of ifs, but I am so hopeful that it will work out. There have been 2 other potential matches they have advocated for us that have fallen through, so who knows if this one will work out either, but I was feeling so optimistic about things happening soon...and then the protests/riots broke out in Haiti. I'm praying that if this is supposed to happen that the document will be provided so we can move forward with this match. 

This whole process is full of so much heartache, beauty, unknowns, waiting, faith, patience, impatience, hope, isolation, connection...the dissonance is dizzying sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like I'm riding a rollercoaster blindfolded. It can be exhilarating at times, but sometimes the coaster breaks down unpredictably for unknown amounts of time (and I feel stranded in the darkness waiting)...and when things are moving you can't see when the big drops are coming. I don't want off the ride, but I am anxious to have a peek from behind the blindfold for a bit to at least meet our daughter. Hopefully sooner than later. We'll see.

Treading water...with fingers and toes crossed.

First of all, I appreciated a text I received from Chareyl (our adoption facilitator) last week. She explained that while the fee increases for accreditation do seem exorbitant, that it doesn't look like agencies will be required to pay the collective fees upfront and they aren't in danger of closing. While I still take issue with the amount of increase in fees (as does she), as well as some of the other new accreditation requirements...I was very relieved to know that the potential impact on adoptions and our agency specifically won't be what my worst case scenario feared.

So, we'll continue slogging on through the unpredictable process like we have for over 5 years. Hoping for the murky waters to begin to clear for us as we approach the next stage of this journey. We may not be able to reach the ground right now (we're still wearily treading water)...but we know that any moment now our toes will touch sand beneath them and we'll be able to stand up in the water. While we'll still have much to wade through - the water there will be more clear and the shore will be in site. For now I'm holding on to that hope.

Chareyl is in Haiti right now. She does both humanitarian work with Haitian Roots and adoption work while she is there. Every time she is there I get extra hopeful and sentimental. Hopeful that we'll see movement as she follows up on our file. Sentimental that perhaps she (or one of the volunteers) might be holding or loving on our little girl, even unknowingly. I love watching their updates come across social media. I've grown to already love the country and people of Haiti so much over the years and long for my chance to go there...of course primarily to meet our child, but also to experience Haiti first hand.

I've written before about loving this child that we haven't met or even seen a picture of yet...I've also grown to love Haiti even though I haven't visited her yet. I've loved looking at pictures of her, trying to understand her struggles, reading about her history, admiring the strength and resilience of her people, and feeling excited about the potential brewing inside her. I have felt passionate about my ways to help her (through supporting education of her children). I've begun to try and understand her tongue and taste her food. I love her. And I can't wait to meet her.

Weary, worried, and wishing

Weary. We're well over 3 years into this Haitian adoption. It's been 30 months since we officially entered IBESR (the Haitian government entity that officially issues referrals/matches). And we're over 5 years since starting the adoption process (2 years were spent pursuing adoption from Ethiopia before that failed). It saddens me to know that once we finally meet our daughter that we still have up to another year before she can come home and complete our family. And knowing how far we still have to go after all these years, I am simply aching to move on to the next step of this journey. To see her face. To know how old she is. To find out anything about her. To hold her. I'm simply weary of waiting.

Worried. I could spend hours listing out all the things I've worried about regarding our adoption over the last 5 years and 4 months (not to mention all the worry and research that went into it prior to actually pulling the trigger and starting the process)! I'll just write about my worry right now though. 

The U.S. Department of State has implemented several new accreditation requirements (some of which are foolhardy in my opinion) for adoption agencies. The current accrediting entity were unable/unwilling to fulfill them. That accrediting entity has now been replaced by a new one that has implemented huge fee increases to agencies. There is a lot of fine print, and many things that simply haven't been explained. No contracts to agencies have been provided...yet they will be required to pay the new fee structure starting February 15th (yes, next week). From what I hear some smaller agencies will be able to pass the fees on to their clients and pay as they go, but larger agencies (like mine, apparently) would be required to estimate their number of adoptions based on the last 2 years and pay that amount up front...at a fee increase of 1,000%! Yes, that's not a typo. I read that they will require fees for 4 years at a time. Currently 4 years of accreditation costs our agency $24,000...with fee increases it will be around $240,000. How is this even possible?? 

Our agency did let us know about this and encouraged us to contact our representative and senators. In the process of drafting what I was going to say I called our agency's office to get specific numbers. I asked them if things aren't restructured with this fee what would happen, and they said that they wouldn't be able to continue facilitating international adoptions. It wouldn't be financially plausible. For them or many other agencies. Of course there is worry and concern about what that would mean for the big picture of international adoptions (and most importantly the children that would affect), but on a personal note...the idea of another huge hiccup in our adoption potentially looming in the near future. Possibly changing agencies again. Being so close (I sure hope!) to a referral and then being relegated to another agency, along with heavens knows how many other families, and lost in the mix...and waiting even longer. Or worse. I just can't. It's just so much worry. So many variables. 

I'm trying hard to focus on doing what I can do instead of idly worrying. I did a bunch of reading up on things, contacted my representative and both senators and really tried to plead my case and pass on information. I tried to put it out there on social media. I contacted a friend who is a reporter on one of the major news stations here to see if they would pick it up. I called a couple people that I knew would be personally invested in doing the same things that I am. And that's as much as I can do. Now I wait. And try not to let the worry eat me alive.

Wishing. I would be lying if I didn't admit that alongside the worry I also hold on to hope that good news could still squeak-in our way soon. Our adoption facilitator will be traveling to Haiti in 10 days. Good things always seem to happen after she travels there and follows up on things. I am hoping and praying that she comes back with news of our final payment request and that our referral will be only weeks behind that in March. 

I seem to always get my heart set on a hopeful date that we'll travel. So far they have always come and gone, but they help me keep looking forward. Like a runner that just has to make it to the stop sign down the street...and once they get to the stop sign they choose a new landmark that they focus on to keep running until...and on it goes. Right now my landmark is April. I am really hoping that we'll get a referral in March and be able to travel in April. Mark & I are so blessed to have a big trip in March (to celebrate by 40th birthday) with some good friends, and then I'm taking a cruise with my mom and grandma in Europe in May (and we're taking a family trip in June)...so April would squeeze right between those. It would be hectic, but at least the kids would still be in school so it would be less of a time burden for my mom and any others that help watch the boys while we're gone those 15 days.

So, my wish is for a referral next month and travel in April. That's my landmark that I feel like I'm running breathlessly for.