5 years ago today.

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to post today. The only things I can update about are long and boring: paperwork, updates, denied expedite request, pending expirations, backlogs, judge strikes, blah...blah...blah.

However, 5 years ago today we took our first concrete step in this adoption journey and submitted our preliminary application to our first adoption agency. We were "only" with them for 2 years before needing to change to our current agency and switching to Haiti, but that day was like a commitment for us in my mind. After lots of research and prayer we felt like we were on the path we needed to be on to complete our family. I still think that.

I am a woman of faith. Sometimes I may feel like I'm not as strong as I should be, but I do believe that God loves me and listens to my pleadings regarding my family. I believe that He answers my prayers and guides me. I also believe that I may not always be able to see or understand His timing or His way of doing things. But that doesn't mean it isn't perfect. Not just because He is perfect, but because His love for me is. I know that He wants what is best for me, for our family, and for our future daughter. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to look back on this long, twisty, roller-coaster ride that officially started 5 years ago now...and I wonder if I'll see answers to some of those why's. Or will I not be able to see any answers to why, but just feel right-ness of it all?

At the beginning of this year this year I committed to focus on trying to replace my fear with faith. I have often times fallen short. Very short. But I do have faith that we are where we need to be on this journey right now. I would be lying if I said that I was ok with not being further down the road by this point, but I do believe that we are where we need to be and that He knows who our child is even if we don't. And the beautiful thing is...because He knows who she is and her needs, I can pray for her and He can succor her. He can find someone else to hold her and to comfort her for now. He can use someone else to feed her for now. He can guide the complex maze of paperwork that will eventually link us together. And He will bring her home to her family when the time is right. Now if I can just replace all my worries with faith in the meantime...and hold onto hope until the day that I can be the one He blesses to hold her, to feed her, and to comfort her.

Until then my prayers are for those who are caring for our child, for her first family in whatever they are suffering, for those running her orphanage, for our adoption facilitator, for each set of hands that is progressing our paperwork in both countries, and for my heart to be still as I ache to see her face and hold her for the first time.