Day of remembrance...and hurry up and wait!

Seven years ago today the devastating earthquake struck Haiti. A country which was already the poorest in the Western Hemisphere. Hundreds of thousands were killed, millions displaced to already disparaging conditions. Destruction and suffering like I can scarcely imagine. Today we remember.

...However!  When remembering this I also honor the strength and resiliency that Haitians embrace. A country that rests proudly on a heritage of being founded on the first successful slave rebellion to result in independence. And while Haitians have continually been dealt a difficult set of cards to play the game of life with...they manage to push through with grit that is beyond admirable. So today I join those around the world in remembering the tragedy of what happened 7 years ago today, but I also honor those who survived. Those who push through struggles, and those who find a way to have hope amidst every reason we may see not to. I honor you Haitians today also.

Now, while it's difficult for anything to sound of importance after that...I also know that if I don't write some sort of adoption update while I'm on the blog now that it won't happen until who knows when. So! I can at least say this. Adoption is like those people driving who floor the gas and speed up to a red light just to sit and wait. You're in a hurry to get to your destination (meeting & bringing home your child), and you never know when driving fast might get you through a green light just in time...but more often than not you speed up to hit a red light just to sit and wait forever while you watch people speed by going the other direction.

I've been doing the hurry up and wait thing for years now, but I still put the petal to the metal anytime I have the chance. I never want to look back and think, wow...if I had just done this step faster then ____. So! The most recent example is that a couple weeks ago we got our background checks and home study update done and rushed to get it sent to USCIS with the associated fee. I included the necessary government form allowing them to notify us electronically (either by text or email) when they received and began processing our application. I knew our application had been received (because of tracking on the shipment), but we kept never receiving this notification. So, finally I started contacting people to see what was going on. I didn't want to wait weeks to find out through the mail if there was a problem. Long story short...our application was rejected because the processing fee we sent wasn't enough. They had just updated their fees and our application was postmarked 5 days too late. So it was rejected and being sent back to us. Grrr.

So, yesterday I went and cut a new cashier's check (for the right amount), filled out new paperwork and took it to Mark's office for him to sign, put in another copy of our homestudy and overnighted that bless-ed package again to USCIS. I've never overnighted something and I must say...there is really a sense of immediate gratification! Our package was already signed for today at USCIS! Sweet. Because I sent it directly to USCIS and not through their lockbox facility (that sorts, screens, and mails applications on to USCIS) - I wasn't able to submit the request for electronic notification. I weighed that with the benefit of shaving off time and chose the latter. I'm praying that we're able to get our updated approval letter back in time to send it with Chareyl when she goes to Haiti next month.

Now whenever I get our previous paperwork with rejection letter in the mail (in the next week or two), we will at least be that much further along in the approval process with our re-submission! Now we just wait and hope.

Hurry up and wait!  Hurry up and wait!

January blues

I had a wonderful Christmas season, punctuated with spots of sadness and anxiety. I continue to struggle with relinquishing myself from worry over things I cannot control. I know that worrying about our little girl won't keep her safe, or get her home faster...but sometimes it seems that the emotions are beyond my reach to control. The Christmas season managed to make me feel those spots more acutely than normal. I can only assume that our daughter just spent her second Christmas in an orphanage again. That contrast just seemed so stark each time that I saw my boys enjoying the light and magic of the season. There were a couple times that I saw a bright spot though...one of which was that another adoptive family visited the orphanage and furnished a delicious meal for the whole orphanage. They said that the kids' plates were all clean and they loved it. I also happened to see an article about Glenn Beck partnering with Operation Underground Railroad (amazing organization). While visiting Haiti with them he stopped at Foyer de Sion and brought Christmas gifts for all 121 children at the orphanage. So - he brought our daughter a gift. I don't know her yet, but she is still there...and other people are still caring for her while I can't yet.

By means of another update, I've been toying with the idea of slightly increasing our age parameters for some time now. Some information I've collected over the last couple months (paired with lots of thought and prayer) nudged us to slightly increase our approved home study age parameters. That also means getting an updated USCIS approval letter. We have the updated home study (had to wait for new background checks to come in before it could be done...luckily neither of us have become criminals as of late), and as of yesterday USCIS has received that updated home study along with our update application and processing fee. I was hoping to get the new approval letter in time for Chareyl to take it to Haiti herself next month when she travels there, but it may take a miracle for that to happen. I just may ask for that miracle. We'll see if it's in the cards I suppose.

All I know is that our orphanage has a specific child that they have been attempting to paper ready (that's all they've told us about her), but they didn't know if they would be able to get her papers done before she aged out of our approved parameters. There's no way to know if we will eventually be referred this specific child or not, but we are at least in the process of raising our age parameters slightly so they now will read "0-24 months at time of referral" (and then tack on around a year to that before she'll be able to come home) - so she'll likely be close to 3 when we get her home. Even if this little girl isn't referred to us, this gives a more realistic age range for the orphanage to be able to paper ready a child to be referred to us as it takes around a year to do so from whenever the child comes into their care.

As I already said, I have felt the sting of wanting to know our daughter more acutely over the holidays this year...but I think that was also balanced by the joy I experienced with our boys this time of year too. Now that the holidays are done I find myself pining for her more than normal. It's like I'm experiencing all my emotions more intensely lately...including those January blues.

Prayers & fasting instead of passivity

I don't have the time right now to delve into much of the emotional background of things right now (and I've learned that if I wait until I do to wright things down...it won't get done).  So!  I will just say that I had an epiphany (which sounds much less impressive when I explain it) recently.  I'll explain it briefly (well...briefly for me anyway):

Being over 4 years into our adoption process we are well aware that we have to be patient and "wait well" during this process or it will eat you up.  We know that things will work out how and when they are supposed to, but sometimes I feel like I am just supposed to keep my head down and just patiently wait it out.  I recently had the impression that, at this time specifically, that I need to be proactive instead of passive in our waiting process.  This sounds ridiculous since there is literally nothing that I can do to help things along...until I realized that there was.

I believe that faith is a principle of action and power and that when put into action faith can replace the fear, worry, or anxiety that I often feel during our wait.  I also believe that my Father in Heaven hears my when I pray and wants to bless me if I just remember to ask Him in faith.  So as simple and elementary as it sounds...my epiphany was that I need to be proactive in our adoption process by strengthening my faith, petitioning my Father in Heaven to watch over our little girl and to help those in Haiti who are processing her paperwork for us to be matched to her.  I also realized that I needed to be willing to be vulnerable and ask those close to me who would be willing to join me in this process.

My belief is that there are big things that need to happen with our little girl's paperwork and that we need the power of God and the angels of heaven to assist us in making this happen how and when it is supposed to.  I may not know any of the specifics...but I know my Father in Heaven does.  I may not be able to help anything progress this process...but He can.  I may not know who our child is or when we will be able to meet her...but He does.  I may not be able to sooth and comfort my soul...but He can.  So, yesterday I joined some family and close friends in fasting and praying for these things.

I yearn for the day that I can fill this photo frame which for years has sat empty waiting on my dresser...but until then I am choosing to actively replace my worry and yearning for information with faith.

Not our turn yet...and worse.

I've had some communication with our adoption worker and neither of those 2 pending referrals are ours. She clarified that IBESR will request our second IBESR fee/match payment just prior to them issuing a referral, so we actually will get a bit of a head's up that a referral is soon. It didn't used to be that way. I think that's a good thing (as long as it isn't forever of me being glued to my phone before the referral actually does come). While I am so anxious to know our daughter's face, I do believe that it will happen when it is supposed to. I will move forward with faith in that.

In much worse news...the death toll in Haiti has surged up to 572 as of this morning. Unfortunately I'm sure that will still rise. Of course I don't want to see loss of life like this anywhere, but this happening in a country that I've come to love so much makes me even that much more sad.

Now if people in our country will just take this hurricane seriously as it heads our way...

Knock-out cold with a bright spot

I remember back in college that everyone always seemed to get really sick right after finals. Something to do with our bodies' ability to sustain themselves during periods of extreme stress...and then once the stress is relieved it rebounds into a weaker immune response or something.  I know, I know - that was super medical and stuff (that's Mark's world, not mine).  However!  I'm telling you there is something to all of that.  It seems like as soon as a majorly stressful event passes in my life I always get sick.

Enter my knock-out cold.  The body aches and sore throat are kicking my trash.

With the intense worry surrounding Hurricane Matthew and Haiti...for Haitians in general, but also specifically regarding our child's orphanage and how this will affect us getting her home...I lost sleep and worried myself silly.

Over the last 24-48 hours we've been able to gather more information about the destruction caused by the hurricane.  Things were really bad in the south, and while everywhere had some damage...considering what could have happened I feel like we were blessed.  Seeing updates (and a photo) from the orphanage sent me to my knees weeping with gratitude.  I am not overlooking the long road of repair ahead for Haiti or the many lives lost (count is over 100 now), but compared to the south of the island the Port-au-Prince area was largely spared - for which I am grateful, and I even just got this update from our adoption worker:

"...There will be need for help and rebuilding in the areas of Haiti and other parts of the world that have been hit by the storm, but we are so grateful that more lives were not lost to this storm. I also wanted you to know that as of today all adoption offices in Haiti are open, with the exception of the US embassy, they will re-open next Tuesday. We got a passport for a family just yesterday. One of our families on this email are currently IN Haiti on their socialization visit and they had the social worker interview today, so that is great..."

Hearing this is so encouraging.  Words to soothe my sore and tender soul...just like these fabulous herbal cough drops are soothing my sore and hurting throat.

For now...I'll focus on the soothing.

4 years ago today

We all like to recognize significant dates, whether good or bad...right?  We celebrate birthdays, wedding anniversaries, and how many years since we graduated from school - along side remembering the day a loved one passed away.  There is something hard wired in most of us to need to keep track of and remember landmark events in our lives.

In keeping with this notion...4 years ago today we officially began this adoption journey!  Ta-da!  Four years ago today we turned in our first initial application to adopt a child internationally.  It was after many years of discussing it, and years of deciding on what country and agency.  Four years ago we pulled the trigger and made the concrete commitment to pursue this adoption.  We felt compelled that our timing was right, and while we knew that nothing was guaranteed with international adoption (or adoption in general for that matter)...I think we were generally optimistic and excited to be officially embarking on this journey.  Part of me felt like after the roller coaster we went through bringing Noah into our family that this wouldn't feel quite as difficult. *Insert snicker now in hindsight*

Just over 2 years into our journey our adoption from Ethiopia fell through.  (Way more information than anyone wants to know about why that happened can be read in prior posts on this blog) We spent the next 4 weeks thinking, praying, and discussing little else other than how to proceed.  Obviously we felt compelled to pursue adoption from Haiti and signed on to adopt through Wasatch International Adoption Agency.  At the end of this year we will have been pursuing our adoption from Haiti as long as we did from Ethiopia.

I had ideas of ways to celebrate this 4 year milestone...just out of sheer need to celebrate something while we continue to wait and wait.  But it just doesn't feel right.  With Hurricane Matthew bearing down on Haiti right now...threatening to devastate this country that I've come to love, and to bring more suffering and loss to a country all too familiar with it.  I just can't bring myself to do anything to celebrate us being on a journey to bringing home a child whose little life started out with some series of tragedies that we just don't know yet. How many more children will be thrust into this category today because of this powerful storm?  That thought chills me.

I have been following this storm for a week now and have watched in horror as it grew to a hurricane, and then turned to directly hit the country of Haiti.  I can't even tell you how much sleep I've lost reading up on the storm, learning more about the devastating effects in could have on Haiti due to it's topography, deforestation, and lack of secure structures due to extreme poverty.  If this storm ravages Haiti with its full potential then the effects could be mind bogglingly horrific.  I wouldn't want it to happen anywhere on this earth, but it hurts so much more being a country that I love...and knowing that our child is there somewhere vulnerable.  That frightens me.  I want to be there to protect her, or at least to have someone update me that she is safe and well.  That the flash flooding and mudslides that are sure to happen didn't affect her, that she has food and water, that she isn't alone.

I worry also about the Haitian Roots Academy that I've grown to feel passionately about...and more importantly about the students and their families that attend the school.  Is our little Nelie that we sponsor at the school ok?

I was grateful that I was able to reach out to Chareyl yesterday and she reassured me that the orphanages all are made of concrete and cinderblock that survived the earthquake, so they should hopefully be able to weather this storm well.  She also informed me that the orphanages stock up on food at the beginning of each month, so they should be well stocked should they have to shelter in place for any significant amount of time.  This did help reassure me, but I am still just so worried at all of the unknown variables.  I think anyone with a loved one in Haiti is worried right now.

So, with so much worry and potential loss at the forefront of my mind - we're not celebrating the fact the we started this journey 4 years ago today.  All that does is remind me...while our daughter joining our family will certainly be beautiful and joyous for us...that before that can all happen, tragedy had to strike her first family. It may not have been because of a hurricane, but it has struck her nonetheless.  That pains me.  That for us to experience the joy of her joining our family that she and her first family have to hurt so much first.  That adoption, while beautiful, is born out of loss.

I'm sorry this post is full of so much worry, so much angst.  I guess I feel like if I can dump it here that it helps me somehow purge some of those things.

In the meantime, I will continue to pray for Haiti.  Please join me!  For preservation of life and property.  That those who were advised to evacuate heeded the warnings and had the ability to move to safer ground.  That somehow the flooding will be less treacherous than it could have been.   And that especially those most vulnerable will be watched after and protected.

*Worries *Theme song *Reality check

My worry:
So last Friday I saw our adoption worker Chareyl post a petition on her Facebook page and on our agency's page with the tag line, "Sign this petition and help us save adoptions!!"
Petition link here: http://saveadoptions.org

I'll admit that my first reaction was (very selfishly) - "Oh no...not again".  

Of course I believe that all children deserve a home and family and I would never want anything to hinder that possibility for all children that are in need of those things...but first I selfishly worried about our family, about our child.  

When you hear an ambulance siren or a report of a horrible car accident do you mentally take inventory of those closest to you?  Of course you don't want anyone's family member to have been in a tragic accident, but it's natural to think first about preservation of your family and loved ones.  And so it was with me.  We've been actively pursuing this adoption for nearly 4 years now.  A little over 2 years into the process our adoption from Ethiopia fell through.  It was difficult and painful, however after a quick but intense 4 weeks we applied to continue our adoption journey in Haiti.  We knew it was right.  I may have had worries at first that my heart wouldn't be "in" things like it ever was with Ethiopia...the same way that I once worried that I wouldn't be able to love the child growing in my belly as much as our first child that we went through so much to bring into our family through adoption before him.  Of course I love him as much, and of course we feel every bit as committed to adopting a child from Haiti as we did from Ethiopia.

I may not have met our little girl yet, but I have thoroughly fallen in love with her country of birth.  I feel like when you adopt from another country that you don't just adopt one of it's children...but also the country itself, along with it's culture/language/traditions/struggles.  I feel invested in Haiti and the child that she will give us through whatever form of loss and tragedy she's gone through to come into our family.  I think of her daily and we all pray for her every night.  My heart misses this child that I haven't even met yet, and the idea of something threatening our adoption again made my heart skip a beat and sink in my chest.

There are still a lot of unknowns regarding the proposed regulations, but I do know that they come from the department of state.  While I do support regulations that increase standards of ethics and protect children, many of these reach so far beyond this that they actually backfire and hurt the children they are supposedly designed to protect.  The regulations are not only over-reaching, but lack funding both on the U.S. side and particularly unreasonably for the country of origin.  For example, if the U.S. wants to designate that orphanages can't receive funding from agencies (paid by adoptive parents) to provide for the child in their care until the adoption is complete...and their country's government isn't able or willing to provide that funding then the options are either that the child's standard of care will suffer staggeringly, the orphanage will have to find other (likely unethical ways) of supporting themselves, or that the orphanage will be forced to close.  None of these options help the children in their care!

They are also proposing that all internationally adopting families participate in 20 hours of foster care certification in addition to the 10 hours of parent training already required.  I'm all about gathering information and being prepared as an adoptive parent, but many of the issues internationally adopted children face are different from those in foster care in our country.  There isn't funding for this training, and those providing the training aren't educated in the specific differences of children being adopted internationally.

I could go on.  Here's a link to the proposal as it stands now: https://www.federalregister.gov/documents/2016/09/08/2016-20968/intercountry-adoptions
Another source:
http://www.regulations.gov/document?D=DOS-2016-0056-0001

So, basically my nerves have been a little raw waiting to see how this unfolds.  I signed a petition voicing concern, and I know there are people and organizations working to see that these regulations don't pass as they are written now...but it's just a worry.

Now on to my theme song!
I have two or three songs that have seemed to really resonate with me during our adoption process over the last several years.  One of which is "I Will Wait" by Mumford & Sons.  When I hear the chorus to that song it's like my heart is scream-singing along trying to make itself heard clear in Haiti by a little girl there that we are waiting to know and hold.  I can't hear that song and not feel something.  Sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel emboldened, sometimes I feel energized, and sometimes I just want to pull a blanket up around me and listen to the song on repeat.

Anyway!  I had the opportunity to see Mumford & Sons in concert on Monday!  They put on a fantastic show and I loved it.  What song do you think they performed in their encore?  Yup.  "I Will Wait".  The song was released the year we began this journey and would have resonated with me at any given time during this process...it certainly did that night.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGKfrgqWcv0

Lastly, my reality check:
Yesterday my friend Jaimi's family brought their sweet daughter home from Haiti.  I found out who she and Ryan were because Mark's parents are friends with Ryan's parents.  We connected online and they invited us to their online album where we got to see photos of their trip meeting their daughter for the first time while they were there!  Then I met her for the first time at a yard sale fundraiser for Haitian Roots in June 2015, but really got to know her during our time working closely together during the Haitian Roots gala.  My heart ached for her during delays with their paper process and with how long it took them to get their little girl home.  We prayed and fasted for that little girl to come home and it was so, so fantastic to see their family all together at the airport.  

We were grateful to be invited to be part of their homecoming and our whole family attended to offer them our support and excitement and also to try and show the boys what this will be like someday.  To make things less abstract for them.  Noah was pretty into the whole thing and the other two...well they were a bit distracted, I leave it there (insert story about Lincoln & Max fighting and then Max getting lectured by a police officer).  However!  It was so wonderful to see Jaimi with Jo on her hip, and how she kept wrapping her arms around Jaimi's neck and resting her head in the crook of her neck.  Beautiful.

While I was genuinely elated for our friends to have their little girl home (especially ahead of an incoming storm that could develop into something troubling for Haiti)...I was surprised by the mix of emotions in my own heart.  They were somehow familiar even though this was my first time at an airport homecoming of this type.  Then I realized what it was...it was that feeling that I had during all the years we ached to become parents when we were happy for those we loved to bring children into the world.  It's how I felt at baby showers, when people announced their pregnancies, or brought their new babies to church for the first time. I was genuinely excited for them and happy, I really was...but it also came with it's own sting of yearning to join them.  I know I am blessed with three wonderful little boys, and that is not lost on me...but I also have another child out there that we are STILL waiting on to complete our family.  A child that I worry about and that we have yet to even meet...and that was the reality check.  We are still so far away from her being home.  And that hurt.