I800a approval (again)!

Our I800a update approval came in the mail today! Woot woot! I already scanned a copy to Chareyl who will send it to her rep in Haiti...who will take a copy in to update our file at IBESR. In my daydreams that document is added to our file just before our file is up for final referral signature, and we get our referral in no time. Do I realize this isn't exactly realistic - yes...but let a girl dream! Sheesh!

Either way it's always nice to have something concrete happen (anything really) that is one step closer to meeting our little girl.

Also! I was re-reading some of our agency provided parent education material last night.  One line resonated with me...it says, "That wait (referring to the wait during an international adoption process, but could apply to anything in life that requires an extensive amount of waiting)...makes us strong and weak at the same time. The weakness comes from feelings of uncertainty and lack of control, which is especially difficult for those of us who cope by taking charge of a situation...the strength comes from learning to trust ourselves and others, learning to have faith that something so abstract now will be concrete someday..."

Um.  Yes.  That.

A phone call, an email, and a bedroom purchase!

First of all it's been almost 2 months since we sent everything in to apply for our I800a update.  I called last week and spoke to the officer in charge of our file and she said that they had been hoping to "refresh" our fingerprints so we wouldn't have to have them done but since it was taking so long (for us and 5 other families with files on her desk) that she was just going to go ahead and request new fingerprinting appointments for us.  Grrr.

Well!  At 7:37 this morning USCIS called me to let me know that even thought they generated an appointment for us that we can disregard it because our fingerprint refresh came through and that our approval will be processed today!  Woot woot!  Now, driving to Salt Lake to get our fingerprints re-done isn't a huge thing, but I'll take a pass at anything in the process when it's given to us!!  Besides, that is a half day of patients that Mark won't have to reschedule and miss once we'd gotten our assigned appointment time.  So we're happy about that.

I emailed Chareyl to let her know about that just in case a possible referral was pending for us that she'd know that things are almost wrapped up with USCIS.  She instructed me to scan over a copy of the approval once we get it so she can send it to her rep in Haiti to take in to IBESR.  I'm crossing my fingers that when that happens that we may get some sort of update on our file (however vague that may be).  She did say that she has been trying to follow up on the I800a files of hers and that she hasn't gotten any specific information at this point, but that she was told that "there are some files waiting for SOME of my families".  I'm hopeful that one of those files may be our daughter...

This month our file has been waiting at IBESR for a referral for a year.  We started the Haitian adoption process 20 months ago (almost exactly 1 month after our prior adoption agency closed their program).  And we are 2 months shy of having started this entire adoption process FOUR years ago (our first adoption application was submitted 10/3/12 for an Ethiopian adoption).  I know we still have a lot of the process to go before we bring our daughter home, but I am hopeful to at least know her face soon.  To know what little I can about our little girl before we can meet her and hold her.

And so!  To landmark our little victory in skipping fingerprinting (ok, ok...more just because I really wanted to buy it) - I bought a rug for her room!  I saw this rug and knew I would regret not getting it. I've waited a long time for a little girl and may go a little crazy with things floral, pink, ruffly, and just girly in general.  I know I want her room to be kind of outdoor-chic.  So, I want it to have some outdoor elements like birds and fauna, but I also want a little chandelier light fixture.  We will have to work on how to blend all of that.  I have fabric that I bought 6 years ago to make a quilt for my daughter someday that has a lot of the colors I want to use and many of them were in this rug.  So I had to get it!  Besides it was 70% off + an additional 10% off for signing up on the site with my email + free shipping so how could I not, right??

Here it is:

The coloring in this photo doesn't do it justice.  I wish I could've figured out how to download one of the pictures of it actually in a room with natural light.  I just LOVE it.  I can't wait to be sitting on the floor with my little girl on it someday...

Pregnancy dreams

I remember being pregnant and having crazy, intensely emotional dreams.  They felt especially real.

{No, I'm not pregnant} If I use the term sometimes circulated in the adoption community I'm "paper pregnant" though.  Meaning our papers are done and we're just waiting for our baby.  So! Can being paper pregnant cause those kind of dreams too?  Because I had one last night.  The second one in the last month or so.

I dreamt that I met our little girl last night. It felt really real. Like I can still feel her tiny arms around my neck when I picked her up.  The overwhelming feeling of joy to meet her, to know who she is. To love a child I just met.  (I've experienced that feeling 3 other times before.  Once in an office and two other times in a hospital.) While I held her my heart ached with happiness and tears wetted my face. I wanted to learn everything about her and memorize every detail of what she looked like. I didn't want to let her go...

And then I woke up.

It felt so sudden, as if someone ripped her away from me.  I sat straight up in bed and the tears in my dream were really wet on my face.  My heart hurt as if I had lost the little girl I had finally just met.  The little girl we've waited so long for.

I did finally go back to sleep.  I think I was hoping that I would find my way back to that beautiful happy place with her, but I didn't.  Instead nightmares of loss found me.  Just like happened the last time I dreamt about her and then went back to sleep.  As if when I go back to sleep I can't reconcile the loss my heart is feeling upon waking up.

And now I have a rainy day to match my mood.  As if the sky is crying with my heart.  Luckily I know the sun will be shining by tomorrow.

I do wonder if when we really do meet her if I'll be afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep that night for fear that I will wake up and find it to be a dream.

**The night that I posted this entry I put Max to bed and sang to him as usual, but verse 2 to 'You are My Sunshine' really struck a chord:
"The other night dear, when I was sleeping...I dreamt I held you in my arms.  When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken.  So, I hung my head down and cried."

Flag Day

Flag Day in Haiti

By Samuel Jean Baptiste, Child Advocate

Why are you proud of Haïti? 

One of the answers you might hear when asking the Haitian people this is: We are proud of Haïti because we are the first black independent nation in the world.

Though the Haitian people face many social and economic issues, they all remember the day their country won its independence from the colonial slave system: November 18th, 1803. Earlier that same year, on May 18th, 1803, Jean-Jacques Dessalines took down the French flag and ripped out the white band.  He then had Catherine Flon sew the blue and red stripes together, creating the blue and red Haitian flag. Ever since that day, the Haitian people have celebrated May 18th as Flag Day. 

Today, the Haitian flag is composed of horizontal red and blue stripes, with the center displaying the weapons of the republic on a square of white cloth.  Inside this square reads our country’s motto: L’Union fait la force (Unity is Strength). 

Every year, it is easy to tell when 18 me (May 18th) is coming. You hear kids saying, “Map defile pou 18 me…” (“I will be in the May 18th parade…”).  Everywhere you look, you see people selling the Haitian flag, including in the Champ-de-Mars, a beautiful place that has historic monuments, the National Pantheon Museum of Haïti, next to the Toussaint Louverture Airport, and elsewhere.

The National Ministry of Education in Haïti also organizes special activities for May 18th. Students at some schools dress up in red and blue, the colors of the flag, and go to Arcahaie, in the Ouest department of Haiti where the flag was created.  Others go to Champ-de-Mars for a parade; they dance in the streets and act out a drama relating the history of Haiti. It is a very unique cultural experience, and is exciting to see how the young people get involved.

May 18th is an important day for another reason as well.  May 18th is also University Day in Haiti, so we also have activities related to education and culture on that day.  

It may be a normal day elsewhere, but May 18th is a very important day for Haiti!

Today

Exactly 1 year and 5 months ago today we turned in our application to adopt from Haiti, changing from Ethiopia.

It was 3 years, 7 months, 1 week, and 2 days ago that we excitedly turned in our papers to begin our adoption journey (thinking that would be from Ethiopia at that time).

Yes, this has gone on a long time.

Yes, we still have a long way to go.

Yes, someday it will definitely be worth it.

Mother's Day

The day before yesterday was Mother's Day.

I had a nice day.  Mark and the boys let me sleep in and made me breakfast.  When the smoke alarms went off like they always do when cooking bacon - all 3 boys jumped in bed with me and gave me cuddles and then gave me cards they made.  We visited Mark's parents and mine.  And Mark made me a delicious dinner of salmon, brown rice/quinoa, green beans and an amazing salad (how lucky am I?).  I feel beyond blessed as I think of my own mother and the woman who raised my wonderful husband...and as I looked at the three amazing little people that I've been blessed to have call me Mom.

And yet...there is always that twinge of pain on Mother's Day.  For different reasons.  Of course there is the part of me that remembers the years that this holiday was so painful as I yearned to become a mother - and my heart goes out to all the many women (and men) in that situation now.  I also think of Noah's birthmother who brought him into the world and struggled so deeply with her decision to place him in our family, believing that it was what was best for him but breaking her heart to do it.  And then I think of what is going on somewhere in Haiti...

There is a mother who has met some level of intense tragedy.  Perhaps it was a fatal one.  Perhaps she is unable to care for her young child and has had to make the difficult choice of placing her into an orphanage just for her to survive.  My heart aches for this woman that I will likely never know.  It hurts to know of the heartache that must inevitably precede the joy this child will bring to us...and I worry about that child.  Her tender heart is going through trauma and loss too.  Is she being cared for?  Is she being fed?  Loved?  Where is she?  How old is she?  When will we meet her?  And while she isn't mine yet, my mother heart aches for her.  To be able to hold her, to know her, to give her a home and family and teach her to rely on the consistency that we'll offer her.  For our family to be complete.

The wide range of emotions that I've felt over the last week or two as Mother's Day approached has been all over the map.  Overwhelming gratitude.  Sadness.  Joy.  Hope.  Heartache.  And so I have prayed.  More than normal.  For those aching to become mothers, for those who have lost children, for those who have lost mothers, for children who desperately need a family, for the women who broke their own heart because it is what was best for their child.  And I pray for my heart to find focus on the love and gratitude.  And to know that He is in charge and watching over everything.

*I ran across this post from five years ago (from my personal blog that I don't post to any more these days), and wanted to come back and include it here.  I didn't even remember writing it and it echoes a lot of what I just said: http://hollyandmark.blogspot.com/2011/06/mothers-day.html

Cookbook & Creole

There is only so much you can do during a wait like this to keep yourself sane.  I'm trying to channel it in productive ways the best I can!  I just bought a Haitian Cookbook and am excited to try a few things out of it! I also registered Mark and I for a Haitian Creole class to start this summer!!! I got the workbook/dictionary in the mail yesterday and am really excited to learn some basic Creole for when we go on our socialization visit to Haiti and meet our little girl.