Racism

Yep.  As a white girl, I'm attacking a post on that word.

First, let me begin by explaining why I am writing this post.  I am a member of a book club with some friends that I really enjoy getting together with and discussing books that we have chosen to read.  In October I was hosting that month’s meeting on a book called the Book Thief.  It’s actually a WWII novel (which I loved, as a side-note) and during one part of the discussion the question was posed by someone asking the group if we felt racism was still an issue today.  Fair question.  I ignorantly assumed that everyone would agree in the affirmative that it is, but was surprised to find that wasn’t the case.  Everyone comes with their own experiences and different points of view, which I can respect…but I became surprised with how uncomfortable I became hearing people say that they just didn’t think it was an issue in our country anymore, or that at least things are so much better than 150 years ago.  For a blond haired, little white girl I was surprised to note the emotions brewing within me during this topic and I tried to not say anything too emotionally charged.  I expressed my opinion and others politely disagreed.  I felt that things were amiable, as they should be, and we moved on.  I couldn’t even tell you now which ladies expressed which opinions.  Unfortunately, the words from that conversation have bounced around in my head for the last 2+ months nagging at me.  Then the other day I came across this article and it hit a little too close to home:

http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/18/travel/crying-boy-assault/

I’ll summarize…A white mother was flying on an airplane with her adopted black (19 month old) toddler.  The baby began to scream during the planes descent due to pressure in his ears.  The man sitting next to the woman told the mother twice to "shut that (N-word) baby up" and then slapped the baby across the face.  Now, I will concede that the man was going through extenuating circumstances with a terminally ill child and I feel for him for that…I could even dismiss some level of him losing his temper due to those circumstances if it weren’t for him laying his hand on the child and for the racial slurs involved.  While I do not pretend to know how I would respond to the kind of stress this man was under, I can guarantee that it would not involve racial slurs.  The fact that this man resorted to those kind of thoughts and words under emotional stress still shows me that those were part of his deeply rooted mindset and outlook, whether he normally expressed them out loud or not.

This story would have angered me regardless of the make-up of this child’s family, but perhaps it hit even closer to home that this was an interracial adoption, as we are trying so hard to pursue ours.  Add on top of that me having just barely finished a civil war novel called 'Candle in the Darkness' (by Jane Austin) and all those feelings and thoughts that I’ve had over the last couple months needed an outlet.  There was one part of that novel where a girl from the south who was a sympathizer for the slaves moved to the North.  During one conversation she had she pointed out to an active abolitionist (white) reverend that while she believed in freedom for the slaves, that the prejudice and discrimination she saw in the North toward the free black people there wasn’t really that different in concept.

So, all that got me thinking back to the conversation at our book club where people were talking about “how much better things are now” for blacks.  This quote perfectly summarizes my opinion on that subject:

“I truly believe “Are things better?” is one of the most useless questions in a discussion about racism. It’s another in a repertoire of rhetorical tricks we use in this country to avoid the hard work of addressing racism in its modern form. By reframing the conversation around how much progress has been made, we further the false narrative that racism is a problem that belongs to history. While we pat ourselves on the back for not being as horrible as we once were, we allow racism to become further entrenched in every aspect of American life.”

The full blog post that I pulled that quote from can be found here.  It’s worth a read, but here is where I give my blanket apology for some of the language contained in a couple of the links I’m going to provide.  Obviously, the news stories provided have clean language, but some of the opinion pieces (and on such an emotionally charged subject) like this one do contain language so…if that offends you then I guess don’t read those! :):  http://www.thenation.com/blog/177330/yes-america-has-gotten-better-about-racism-it-really-doesnt-matter#

I do believe there is wisdom in celebrating heroes in the civil rights movement and recognizing progress, but I also agree with the author of the previous quote that often people (perhaps sometimes unknowingly) hide behind the guise of progress in order to face current problems of racism today.  And mitigating those modern problems is, in my opinion, offensive to those that have to face them.

Another term that really irks me is when people claim with pride to be “color blind”.  I do not see that as a positive end goal to achieve.  I believe the diversity in our races and ethnicities should be recognized and celebrated, not ignored.  In comparison, I am proud of being a woman and while I do want respect and equal opportunities as a woman, I do not want to be viewed as a genderless entity.  Similarly, I do not believe that most people of color want to be viewed as colorless.  Rather, I believe their race is part of who they are but shouldn’t define their abilities and opportunities or the respect they receive.

"Being 'color blind' has somehow become an excuse for being blind to racism. It has become a way for white Americans to discount the very much present racist experiences of persons of color in this country.

That quote is from a great article titled, "I'm a White Kid from Texas, and I can tell you: Racism is Still a Thing"  Well said.

The following video that accompanies this article about Forest Whitaker being accused of shoplifting is well spoken.  There are several parts I like, but especially the part where Etan Thomas says that he doesn’t want people to look at him and “see a blank space” (being so called color-blind), that he is a black man and proud to be…but that there needs to be respect.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/19/forest-whitaker-accused-of-shoplifting_n_2718202.html

On to some examples.  I could start a very long list of racial profiling by the police.  Now this isn’t meant to be an anti-police statement, but it shows that the prejudice and racism still alive in our country carries over into our police force, often with deadly consequences.  Two huge examples of this both occurred in the U.S. during my time living in Germany as a missionary for my church.  Not only was I abroad, but I did not have access to television, internet or newspapers.  So, I learned of the tragic stories of Amadou Diallo and Patrick Dorismond later.  They were both victims of wrongful shootings by undercover police officers.  Both men were unarmed and wrongfully accused.  Amadou was a recent immigrant from West Africa here pursuing the American dream and sending most of his wages as a street peddler home to Africa.  He was shot 41 times in front of his own apartment as he reached for his wallet to identify himself when approached by undercover cops who thought he was a wanted man.  41 shots, people.

Patrick was having a drink with a friend in front of a cocktail lounge when they were approached by two undercover cops who asked him where to buy drugs.  This naturally offended this security guard and father of two and a heated argument led to a scuffle, followed by the police officer pulling his gun and shooting Patrick to death.  Neither Patrick nor his friend were armed.

If 13 years ago isn’t recent enough for you, I can give you one from just 4 months ago…in North Carolina 24 year old Jonathan Ferrell was driving early in the morning and was in a severe car accident, he escaped and ran to a nearby home for help, banging on the door.  The woman didn’t know him and called 911.  When Jonathan soon saw responding officers he ran to them for help and was subsequently tasered and then shot dead.  By the people whose job it was to protect and serve him.  Of course Jonathan was unarmed.

You want one not police related?  Ok, last September in Florida a 17 year old boy (Jordan Davis) was playing loud music with 3 other friends at a gas station. He was approached by a white, middle aged man who demanded that they turned down their music and like most teenage boys when talked to that way an argument ensued…but this was followed by this man pulling his gun and shooting inside their vehicle 9 times and killing one of the boys.  And, yes, they were all unarmed.  His racist ignorance continues in multiple letters that he has written from prison – a few of them are quoted in this article:

http://thegrio.com/2013/10/18/jordan-davis-shooter-writes-shockingly-racist-letters-from-jail/ 

I could of course continue with examples, and while all of the victims deserve to have their names remembered, my point in sharing these is just to show a few of the examples (albeit extreme ones) of racism that still are part of our society today.

As a white girl growing up in a predominantly white town, I don’t pretend to be able to look at things from the perspective that someone with black skin would…but that is exactly what I have been trying to do more over the last few years as we have pursued our daughter's adoption and therefore becoming a multi-racial family.   

Let me be very clear, we are NOT pursuing this adoption with some sort of savior’s complex, or because we feel it is our duty, or to make up for “white guilt”.  We aren’t pursuing this adoption in any way BECAUSE our daughter will be black, but we believe that all children everywhere deserve a home and a family and since our journey at this time has guided us to Africa and we know our daughter will be black we feel it our duty to try as best we can to try and view the world from her eyes and see how she will experience things.   

While her skin color (and the culture she came from) won’t define her, it will be a part of what will make up the beautiful person that she is and we plan to celebrate that.  Also, just because we will see her, accept her, and love her for who she is (and we believe the majority of people in our community will also) it doesn’t mean that she won’t encounter racism during her life.  She will.  And to ignore that because it is uncomfortable or because we don’t personally have those views only does her a disservice.  If she is able to predominantly escape the hateful, scorning side of racism for most of her life we will be grateful…but even at that there are small things that we as white people tend to not notice through our lens of looking at the world.  For a lighter example of this, please watch this video (by Micah Bournes) that touches on the humor of what is “normal” by giving an example from a label on a hair product.  Seriously, watch this clip:
"Normal Hair"

So, I mean no disrespect to my fellow book club ladies that I love spending time with and getting to know.  And while one of the things I like at a book club is lively conversation and even differing opinions, I tend to feel a little bit of disappointment when I hear some of them say that they don’t believe racism is a problem anymore in America.  While I am pleased to surround myself with people that aren’t bigots themselves, it saddens me to hear that people aren’t aware that there is still racism in our country.  Unfortunately, there simply is.  It comes in the form of hate, violence, stereotypes, being snubbed, and sometimes just ignorance.  Sometimes people are outspoken about their racial views, and sometimes they cowardly express them anonymously through various online sources.  For example, take a look at this seemingly harmless picture of a daddy getting his daughter ready in the morning and read what some of the responses were when he posted it online:

 

http://goodmenproject.com/families/i-have-a-dream-that-people-will-view-a-picture-life-this-and-not-think-its-a-big-deal-gmp/

(The dad’s regular blog that he normally keeps is at http://daddydoinwork.com/)

Raising up my voice that racism indeed exists is only a small part of the ongoing effort to eliminate racism, and I am sure that I will continue over the years to become aware of more and more ways to view the world through a colored lens...whether that has to do with the way my shampoo is labeled, or my crayons are labeled...

...my hope is that I will welcome those sometimes uncomfortable realizations that I had perhaps not before seen.  I also hope that people will be willing to recognize that just because you don't experience it yourself, or perhaps because it's simply uncomfortable to admit, that racism actually is unfortunately still thriving.  Yes even in the good ol' U.S. of A.

Uncertainty and a tiny little hurray.

I have emailed back and forth a few times with Toni (our case worker), so she just called me today and said that maybe a phone call was a good idea.  We talked for more than 30 minutes, but I couldn't even recall everything we talked about.  She basically answered questions and elaborated on the complexity of the situation in Ethiopia and with international adoptions in general.  I really appreciated her call.

I also received an email update from our agency that included a short update including this paragraph:

"Today Joint Council sent out an email to adoption services providers in Ethiopia announcing that the Co-Chairs of the Ethiopian Caucus will conduct an advocacy and assessment trip the week of January 27, 2014. The purpose of the trip will be to solidify our existing government, NGO and Partner relationships, conduct fact-finding on the current government positions and statements and lay the groundwork for an affective convening sometime in the spring."

So, a whole lot of I don't know and wait and see.  Such is international adoption I suppose.  The statements reported the day after Christmas from Ethiopia's House Speaker and the head of WOWA (Ministry of Women, Children and Youth) were so unnerving.  Toni did explain that something similar happened 2 years ago though and everyone internationally thought it was going to be the end of adoptions in Ethiopia.  I remember following that at the time and being nervous what it would mean.  Our situation now is not the same, but it does give me hope to think about that and wonder if maybe things will play out the same...with slowdowns, but the program staying open.

Toni also pointed out that they have not been able to confirm the validity of the source (which was a press release from a single source).  See the release here.  So, we still don't know for certain the accuracy of what was reported and even if it is 100% accurate what that means, or how things will play out.

All of this unnerving uncertainty definitely puts a damper on what should have been an exciting step for us.  We just received a packet in the mail with our FDL (favorable determination letter) or our I-600A approval, which is the U.S. Department of Homeland Security's stamp of approval that we are able to "furnish proper care to an orphan"...and it gives them advance processing for immigration.

This document will expire June 20, 2015 before which time we will have to re-apply.

I pictured us celebrating when we received this letter in the mail, but all this uncertainty puts a real damper on things...

Another way...

At least a couple people read my previous post about how to help in this difficult situation.  Today I wanted to post one other way that I also truly believe can help.

Prayer.

We have a firm belief in the very real power of prayer, and also believe that it played a key role in bringing our sweet baby Noah home nearly 8 years ago.  So, ironically at this crossroads in our journey to bring our daughter home we want to share a little bit about that experience.

After 4 years of aggressive fertility treatments, riding the adoption roller coaster (communicating with several birth mothers) and the heartbreak of a failed adoption right before the baby's birth, we felt renewed hope with our new match after Noah's birth mother chose us to parent her child.  We flew out to meet N. and were even able to place our hands on her pregnant belly, knowing our son was growing inside this selfless young woman.  We developed not only a love for this little person we had yet to meet, but an admiration and respect for the mother he grew inside.  Our anticipation to become parents grew as we continued contact with N. over email and she included us in various details from doctors appointments to cravings.  Later I flew home for a big baby shower from friends and family, and we began purchasing all the things we "needed" for our new little guy.  We washed clothes, we set up the crib in his room, and put his name on the wall.  I was even spoiled with a shower at my work, and I had my last day at my job a few days before we were to become parents.  We truly experienced the often used phrase (in the adoption community) of the baby growing not in our belly, but in our heart.  We absolutely felt a bond with this unborn child.

We had our suitcases packed and were married to our phones as N. went into labor.  However, once Noah was born his sweet birth mother cut off contact with us and her case worker while she took him home from the hospital to think things over and see if she had the strength to go through with her decision to place him in our family.  This was without a doubt the most trying week of our lives (as it surely was for N. also), but we had so many people praying for us...and more importantly for her.  It is difficult to describe being part of something like that - hitting the lowest low we've ever felt and then watching a miracle unfold before us, and knowing it was because of the pleading prayers of so many people.  As time went on we found out about more and more people we knew, and even people we didn't know, that had fasted and prayed earnestly for each of us that week.  We consider it an honor not only to be Noah's parents, but to have been part of something that so deeply touched our faith in God.

I share that extremely personal time in our lives because I feel an urgency to exhibit that same kind of vulnerable faith now.  We have no control over this situation, and cannot see the big picture.  However we know that our Heavenly Father is all knowing and is anxious to heed faithful petitions of prayer if it be His will.

Of course we pray that we will be directed in the things to do to find the daughter that we feel is meant for our family.  We still feel that our daughter will be born in Ethiopia, but only time will tell if that is what God has in store for us.  In the meantime our hearts ache for the children there who already yearn for families, as well as those to come who will be shut off from that possibility if they are condemned to a life being raised in an orphanage, on the streets, and subject to all forms of abuse.

So!  At this time we ask you to join us in prayer for the government leaders and those with influence in Ethiopia, that they will see wisdom in a well rounded approach for caring for their children.  That as they develop programs to keep children in their families in the first place, and to be placed for adoption domestically...that they will keep international adoption open as an option as long as there are children that are still in need of a home and family.  And believe me I would truly celebrate to see the day when there really was no need for that any longer.  However, with the millions of children in need right now that can't be any time very soon.

It has been something faith-building to hear the innocent prayers of my children as they petition the Lord about this.  We ask that you will join us in sincere prayer, and if you feel so inclined we will be fasting for this cause on this coming Sunday as well.

A heartfelt thank you to those of you that we know are already praying with us, including some dear friends of mine that dropped these flowers by with a super thoughtful card.  

I had to include a picture so I can always remember how deeply it touched me that they understood the depth of heartbreak involved in this seemingly abstract stage of the adoption process.  We may not have a birthmother to communicate with, and our daughter isn't even born yet, but she (and the country/culture we believe she'll be born into) has already managed to begin growing in our hearts and we love her.  In addition to the greater tragedy for millions of children when looking at the big picture if adoption is closed off from Ethiopia...the idea of a government policy coming between us and our baby girl is deeply, personally heartbreaking.

"What can we do? How can we help?" Here is one way...

Governments shutting down their international adoption programs (or threatening to) for a variety of often politically charged reasons (ahem...Russia), is not new.  It has happened multiple times before, never resulting in a better situation for the most vulnerable section of our global society.  When there is corruption or unethical behavior in an adoption program should there be investigation, licenses revoked, perhaps even program slowdown while weeds are pulled?  Absolutely.  To throw the baby out with the bath water and simply shut down adoptions completely goes against exactly what is being professed - doing what is best to protect a country's children.  To quote Dave Thomas (adoptee), "Every child deserves a home and love.  Period."  I could go on and on with my rant about all the reasons why I view it a human rights violation to deny children the possibility of a family, and all the benefits that come with that...but let's move on to a couple of ways that something can be done about that:

Have you heard of CHIFF (Children in Families First Act)?

It is a congressional bill being sponsored with bipartisan support.  Here is a quote from their website:  

"The best protection for a child is a family. We protect children by preserving families, reunifying families or creating families through adoption.  And yet, no one in our foreign affairs agencies focuses on children in families."

CHIFF has several key goals, one of which is to establishe a bureau in the Department of State that will become the much needed foreign policy and diplomatic hub on international child welfare.  Also, "CHIFF brings the need for ethical, transparent and accountable child welfare systems to the forefront.  By ensuring systems are in place to help children remain in their family of birth, be reunited with family or be adopted locally or internationally, CHIFF promotes a holistic and preventative approach to strengthening child protections.  This strategy is critical to decreasing children’s exposure and vulnerability to trafficking, exploitation, violence and neglect.

So what can you do??  First, take just a few minutes to familiarize yourself with the bill.  Here is their website.  Take just 5 minutes to browse though it (I personally recommend taking a quick look at the FAQ tab, and if you are interested then the Stories tab), and then CONTACT YOUR ELECTED REPRESENTATIVE!

You can click here to see who are already sponsors and co-sponsors.  If your representative is already a sponsor please contact and thank them (let them know this is important to their constituents)!  If you don't see their names then call or email them (better yet both), even contact them via facebook or twitter to let them know it is important to you.  Surveys show it takes as little as 20 phone calls on an issue for an elected official to take notice of that issue.  Click here to even be provided with a sample script or template you can use when you contact them, as well as for a list of who your elected officials are!  Note to all my Utah friends...I don't see any of our Senators or Representatives sponsoring the bill yet!!

You do not have to have a soft spot in your heart for adoption or be an adoption advocate to see the wisdom in supporting this bill (although that's great if you do/are!)...this bill isn't solely about adoption.  This bill is about seeing children in families as a global priority.  If you believe in the important role of families, and their vital role for children and society then do something and stand up for what you believe!  Please.  It can help, and you will feel so good knowing you spoke up and helped make a difference.

That, my friends, is something you can do to help.

Heartbreak. Prayers needed.

I am extremely emotional as I write this post.  We received an email from our agency giving us a program update that we didn't want to hear.  Apparently on the day after Christmas the House Speaker & the directer of Women, Children & Youth Affairs (MOWA) in Ethiopia made a public statement stating their intent to put an end to all foreign adoptions from their country.  It went on to outline their desire to "give priority to use local means to raise orphaned children rather than giving them away to foreign families".

Now, let me say that in theory I think this is ideal.  I have always said that it is best to help families (in Ethiopia or elsewhere) stay intact when possible, and that the next best option is for the child to be cared for and raised by a family in their birth country. However, when neither of these options are possible (as so often is the case) foreign adoption is the best option for a child, not being raised in an institution or on the streets...or worse.

I am so upset that I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings in to words.  I am upset at what this could potentially mean for our family, but even more upset at what this will mean for so many children in Ethiopia.  With millions of orphaned children in their country and hardly the infrastructure to care for so many people suffering from disease and poverty already...how do they suppose that they will begin to be able to care for additional children - let alone that even if they can provide food and shelter for these children, that what they need is a home and family.  The studies are indisputable, children develop and thrive best in a family and home environment.  While the loss of country and culture is a real one, it is nothing compared to what a child loses by not being raised in a family.

This was an official and public statement, but there was no timeline given and no date outlined by when foreign adoptions will be cut off.  Rumors I am hearing online say possibly within one month.  Considering that we anticipate our adoption taking us another 3 years I can only assume that this will essentially put an end to our adoption from Ethiopia, but I don't know for sure yet.  We felt that this was the right avenue to pursue, so we will continue doing so until there is no possibility (not to mention that we are over $16,000 into things)...and if that happens I simply do not know what plan B is.  When it comes to your child there usually isn't simply a plan B in place.  I cannot picture anything else right now.  The one thing we do know from our past experiences (with both adoption and fertility treatments) is that things happen when and how they are supposed to.  I am trying to have faith in that and know that things will work out how they are meant to.

Right now though, I am simply indescribably saddened.  I have fallen in love with the beautiful country and culture of Ethiopia.  I know there are children there languishing in disease, poverty and who need homes and families - in a country without the infrastructure to care for them.

Please, please, please add your prayers to ours.  Of course we pray that we will be guided to make the decisions that will help us find our way to our daughter that we feel is out there...wherever and whenever that may be.  But more than that - please pray that government authorities in Ethiopia will find wisdom in keeping foreign adoptions open in their country (in some capacity) as they concurrently develop necessary programs to help care for children in their own country.  As broken as my heart is right now, it is nothing compared to the loss and heartbreak of so many children (who have already experienced trauma in their young little lives) as yet another country plans to close its doors to providing them permanent loving homes.

Christmas gift.

Mark loves to make me cry.  In a good way.  He gauges how "good" a gift is that he gives me by if I cry (and how much).

One of my Christmas gifts was addressed to "My girls".  Right when I saw that I knew to prepare myself to fight tears (plus he had video rolling, and his family there while we opened gifts).  That was the first time he'd ever written that.  My girls.  I love the sound of that.

Inside the gift were two Barbie dolls to add to my baby girl stash.  One of the blond haired variety, and another (Princess Tiana) with beautiful dark hair and skin.  Just like this:

Even our boys were excited to see something for baby girl.  "One that looks like mommy, and one that looks like baby girl" Mark added.

I loved it.  I love how thoughtful Mark is, and I love stashing thing away for our precious baby girl someday.

Little updates

On December 17th we attended our assigned biometrics (fingerprinting) appointment at the Immigration office in Salt Lake City.  We had the first appointment of the day, so we were in and out pretty quickly.  It was kind of cool to watch the digital reading of our fingerprints (much more high-tech than the inked version we did at the police station for our local background checks).  These are transmitted electronically to pre-approve the immigration process for our child.

That day also happened to be my birthday, so after our appointment we picked up my birthday gift which was a signed print of Greg Olsen's painting Hand in Hand.  I've been so excited to put a copy of this up in our home.  First of all, I think it's beautiful...but also it reminds me that our Savior will watch over our daughter and guide her home to us.