Homestudy and telling the boys

Anyone who has adopted knows that there is a little bit of pressure to have your home looking nice when your case worker comes to do the homestudy visit.  Now, I know that we won't be rejected if our mantle has dust on it...or even if the kitchen sink is full of dishes - BUT it's normal to want your home to look presentable when you've invited someone over, let alone someone who is coming for the purpose of inspecting your home!

So, this Tuesday (July 9th) I worked very hard getting the house in perfect shape...and my mom took Noah and Lincoln to the park and a movie for a few hours prior to the appointment as well as the duration of the appointment so we could concentrate on the homestudy (and because the boys don't know about the adoption).  Mark left work a few minutes early and all was on track.  Phew!  Until the case worker was late.  Finally I called him to ask if he was having any trouble finding our home and he said that he'd written down next Tuesday (I checked the email, it was the 9th).  He was very nice and apologetic and asked if we could do Thursday.  Now, Thursday was our anniversary and that wasn't exactly what I pictured doing on that day, but I didn't want to delay things any longer so I agreed.

Now the next couple days was "interesting" trying to follow around the boys and keep the house perfect.  I'm glad I don't live that way every day (having to have my home perfect) because it drove me crazy.  It was good that we got out of the house for a good portion of the day on Wednesday!  Nonetheless, my mom volunteered to come take Noah and Lincoln again on Thursday for the appointment.  I polished the house back to where we wanted it to be, and the caseworker showed up just fine this time.

Josh, our social worker, did my personal interview and by the time we were wrapping that up Mark got home.  We finished up some discussions, did the home walk through, and things went fine.  We scheduled our next interview for Tuesday and were surprised to hear that he wanted to meet the other boys (he saw us interact with Max at our home).  It would have been nice to know that since my mom took them twice to keep them out from under our feet for the homestudy - and because we hadn't told the boys about that adoption!  So they'll be coming with us on Tuesday.

That being said, on Friday night we sat the kids down and made our big announcement.  We made sure they know (as well as kids that age can understand time) that things won't be happening for a long time, but that we wanted them to know what all the paperwork and interviews were about and that over the next few years that they can always share their feelings or questions with us.  We showed them the Ethiopian doll, talked about things, looked at pictures on the internet, and then all had ice cream cones.

So, at least this week had a couple concrete steps to share about!

Quote to reference

I have a feeling that I should post this quote here so I can refer back to it over the upcoming years!  A lot!  It is from an adoptive mother/author/blogger (Jen Hatmaker) on the adoption process:

"On the excruciating wait/delays:  Oh my, I can speak to this.  First, forget whatever timeline you were given at the beginning.  Forget you ever heard that.  Put that in the trash can. Adoption will change, shift, slow down, hit snags, be weird, be difficult, take longer than you think, take longer than you can stand.  This will happen.  This is the normal thing.  When someone gives you a timeline, say, "Thank you for that cute little sentence.  Flush." Potential adopters, let me tell you this:  Get your "YES" straight at the very beginning.  Decide on it.  Roll around in it.  Put it on the table and shellack it. Because you cannot let every delay and snag derail your certainty about adoption.  When you say YES, you are saying YES to enter the suffering of the orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM.  I promise you, their suffering is worse than yours.  We say YES to the tears, YES to the longing,  YES to the maddening process, YES to the money, YES to hope, YES to the screaming frustration of it all, YES to going the distance through every unforeseen discouragement and delay.  Do not imagine that something outside of "your perfect plan" means you heard God wrong. There is NO perfect adoption.  Every adoption has snags.  We Americans invented the "show me a sign" or "this is a sign" or "this must mean God is closing a door" or "God must not be in this because this is hard," but all that is garbage.  You know what's hard?  Being an orphan.  They need us to be champions and heroes for them, fighting like hell to get them home.  So we will.  We may cry and rage and scream and wail in the process, but get them home we will. "  - Jen Hatmaker

I love so many different aspects of this quote.  It just grabs hold of me each time that I read it.  Although I must interject that I don't exactly believe that Americans invented the "show me a sign" or "this is a sign" thing...I'm pretty sure that's been around for thousands of years...but I do think it is a lot of people's crutch!  I do agree that it will be more productive when I'm struggling to remember that indeed her suffering (and of course that of our daughter's family also) is greater than our own.

And the part about getting our "yes" straight at the beginning...I received advice similar to that from Brandi.  She was the caseworker who had the heart to heart conversation with me while I sat on the Target store's floor (the night before leaving for Europe).  She explained that there would be more snags, hangups, and unexpected things to come and that if I let every one of them question whether we should be proceeding with the adoption or if the program was in danger of closing...that we wouldn't make it.  It would be too much on me, and too much on our family.  I was overcome as she told me that and I knew she was right.  As Mark and I talked about things over the following days - we got our "yes" straight.  I may not like the way things play out over our journey, and as Jen Hatmaker says I "may cry and rage and scream in the process"...but amidst that I will know that we're doing the right thing and is part of that "yes"!  Not too different from the "yes" I said when Mark and I were married.  It wasn't a "yes...as long as it doesn't get too hard" it was a "yes even WHEN things are hard"!

I also love the part of the quote that says, "Do not imagine that something outside of "your perfect plan" means you heard God wrong."  That rang so true for me...there are times where I can face difficulty, change, frustration when it is out of my control...but if it results after something I chose prayerfully, I do tend to doubt that I heard right.  Not that God had it wrong, but that I heard Him wrong.  Because of that I am grateful I have had cause to stop and really re-consider whether to move forward with this adoption so early in our process.  I knew it was for sure what I wanted, but I struggled with knowing it was right for our family and committing to that "yes".  Because of our wrestle with that, we now we have that "yes" straight and it's a matter of relying on Him and one another to stick things out, and to remember that it's not about us - it's about her.

Phone call and spilling the beans

So, today we had our first scheduled phone call with our caseworker Toni (with AGCI).  It was just a nuts and bolts kind of phone call.  We didn't go over much that we didn't already know, but it helped us to go over everything that needs to happen with our home study and dossier over the next few months.  I must say that condensing everything we need to accomplish in just the next 4-5 months into a 45 minute conversation was a bit overwhelming, but we weren't surprised by anything.

We also scheduled our first home study visit and interview for this Tuesday!  Our caseworker with WIA is Joshua and he seems like he has a good handle on things.  It is exciting to be making big, concrete steps forward like this!

I also have to mention that on Sunday night we had a get together with my whole family before my brother Matt and SIL Katie moved to California the next morning.  We decided that we wanted to tell the rest of our families about the journey we've embarked upon and I wanted to tell my family before they left...SO we told them at our little get together.  People were excited and it was fun to just be able to talk about it.  We were clear about how long this process will be, but also about how excited we are.  As a side note it's been fun to see all the neat things my mom has pinned on to her pinterest board titled "Sweet Little Girl (Dreaming of our Ethiopian Granddaughter)"  That meant a lot to me.

We've been trying to get a hold of Mark's siblings to tell them, but no success yet.  Exciting stuff!

A few little updates

Over the last 9 months our communication with our agency has been through an 'inquiry coordinator'.  Funny enough our inquiry coordinator is also named Holly.  She has been very helpful in answering questions, and finding out the answers to a lot of questions that I've asked that she didn't know.

Once our first big payment and packet of paperwork was received, we were assigned a case worker.  We were assigned to a woman named Brandi.  On May 31st I had my first phone conversation with her.  She was kind enough to arrange a call with me after hours so we could talk about the new information (lengthened wait times) before we left for two weeks on vacation the next morning.  We had the big decision to make about whether to continue with our application or pull out of the process.

She happened to call my phone while I was doing some last minute shopping at Target.  I found an area in the women's clothing that wasn't busy and sat down on the floor and talked with her for over an hour.  After I got off the phone I just sat there on the floor of Target and cried.  Given, I was very sleep deprived that day (only 4 hours in the previous two nights combined)...but I was also overwhelmed with the decision we had to make.  This is one of the biggest decisions of our lives and I wanted to be sure that I was doing the right thing.

During Mark's and my vacation we had two weeks away from work, kids, and responsibilities.  We were able to have some conversations and sort things out and made the decision to proceed with the adoption.  We believe that we are doing the right thing, and pray that it turns out the way that we think it will (us bringing home our baby girl).

So!  While on vacation we also received an email that our caseworker Brandi was departing the agency and we had been reassigned to a new caseworker named Toni.  I have yet to speak with her, but plan to this week.

Yesterday (June 25th) we finished our application to a local adoption agency (WIA) approved to do our home study.

The other exciting thing that happened yesterday was that I told my mom about the adoption!  I originally had planned to have family over for a get together/party to announce things after we turned in our dossier and had a wait-list number.  However, since we already ended up needing to tell Mark's parents and with the added wait time the whole thing was feeling like it would be anti-climatic to make a "big announcement" with that big of a wait to follow.  So, I decided that we would just slowly start letting people know about our journey.  No big, official announcement...just several conversations explaining the journey we are embarking upon to those we care about.

The way that things were brought up with my mom was pretty funny though.  Noah knows that we've mentioned that maybe someday we would adopt another child, and ironically he has had a keen interest in Africa much longer than I have.  One day while Mark and I were on vacation he told my mom that he had prayed to Heavenly Father and He told him that our family was going to adopt a baby girl from Africa.  Now however accurate this story is remains irrelevant to me.  The fact that my son recognizes that he can go to his Heavenly Father in prayer to ask a question, and receive an answer is a beautiful thing to me.  And surely Noah has picked up on tid-bits of conversation or interest about Africa that we didn't recognize (we've tried to be very discreet).  So, when my mom told me this "funny" thing that Noah told her I replied that he was right.  She looked really confused.  Really confused.  I told her really, that we had submitted paperwork and were going to be adopting from Africa, specifically Ethiopia...and then we spent quite a while catching up on all the background of how we got to this point.  It was such a relief to tell her.  And she helped me feel better about the age gap that there will be between her and Max.  Maybe it will be a good thing in the end.

Big set back

The rain is pouring outside right now and I feel like the sky is weeping with me right now.  I feel so sad at the news I heard over the phone today.  First, let me say that my papers and payment were all received by our agency as expected.  I got a phonecall this morning (as anticipated) verifying that all was in order as far as that goes...and then she continued on to give me news that I did NOT want to hear.  First though, a tiny bit of background...

We are on track to have our dossier finished and in the mail this October or November.  Our official "wait time" (how agencies report it) begins at that point - even though we will have started the paper chase one year prior to that.  So, when an agency says that their average wait time is 12 months they are referring to the period of time between when your dossier is submitted and when you get a referral.  In our case we can add a year prior to that to our "wait time" as well as how ever many months it takes for us to get her home once we receive our referral for our little girl.  This is usually a few months (including two separate trips to Ethiopia).

So!  We knew that the agency we chose had slightly longer wait times than most out there, but we were impressed enough with their thoroughness and attention to detail and ethics - as well as with the conditions for the children in their transition home - that we were fine with that.  Our quoted wait time for the age of child that we submitted papers for was 24 months.  So, again, 24 months from dossier to referral.  Add the year prior to that and likely 4 months after that to bring her home and we're looking at a total of nearly 3 1/2 year actively pursuing the adoption to bring our baby girl home.  This contrasts dramatically to 2 years ago when the wait time was just 6 months.  Necessary government overhauls seriously slowed down adoptions back in 2011 just after I had begun seriously looking into adoptions in Ethiopia.

So, that's where we're at.  We knew things could fluctuate a bit one way or the other, as is the nature of international adoptions, but I wasn't ready for this (back to the phone call)...

I was informed that the agency had been monitoring wait times over the last few months and wanted to be sure that it was actually a trend and not a fluke, but that wait times are dramatically increasing.  After calculating things she said that her best estimate of our wait time now (instead of 24 months) would likely be around 42 months.  Almost double.  Whaaaa???

So, like I said before, once you add on the paper chase before dossier submission and the wait and two trips to bring her home...we're looking at a total of almost 5 years.  And that's assuming that their projections are right, that there are no further delays, that there are no complications with our referral that slow things down, or that Ethiopia doesn't temporarily shut down adoptions to pursue Hague accreditation or something.

That puts us not bringing baby girl home until fall of 2017.  That. is. so. far. away.

As I grapple with how long that wait is, I worry even more about what the future holds...first the agency closed off infant adoptions to Ethiopia (just after we applied), now they have almost doubled their projected wait time, what is next?...What if we get years into this and $16,000 later the program closes?  Then what?

We were told that in light of how recently we submitted our payment and official documents - that if we choose to that they will refund us our money.  I'm actually surprised by that, but appreciate the option.  I think.  I wouldn't know where to start with researching agencies again.  Who is ethical?  Who accepts applicants for infants?  Who is financially sound (lots of agencies have gone under over the last year)  Etc, etc.  I would likely be trading one set of problems for another to switch agencies.  Even though I'm saddened about this longer wait, if I could be guaranteed that things would work out at the end of the 5 years I would stick it out.  But that's just the thing with adoptions.  There never are guarantees.

And, saddest of all - in the meantime of all this slowdown - children need homes.  Children are being raised in institutions because of either government red tape or because of the greed of a few people/agencies (and so now everything takes longer).  The whole things is just so sad.

This is exactly the type of thing that has kept me from being open and public about us pursuing the adoption.  Yet at the same time, I wish I had someone I could talk to about this that understood.

And the rain just keeps falling.

Papers mailed!

Ta-da!  We had to have one form re-notarized (it was done incorrectly) and finish two last papers after changing home study agencies.  Then today we dropped all the papers in the mail to our agency!!!  Here I am mailing off our packet...

We also paid $4,390 in fees today which makes things feel even more official ;)  Next month we'll pay another $1,950 to our home study agency (for our home study and post placement visits), and then our next lump sum of $9,510 is due before mid-November.  As I've mentioned before, the agency fee (6K) was split between May and November instead of all in May, so November's payment sum is larger than it used to be.  I can't believe that in a short few months we'll be into this nearly $16,000...with lots more to save after that.  This is an expensive process (and kind of our focus right now), but will of course be worth it.

I'm feelin' pretty happy right now.

Notary and stuff

There is never much to tell at this stage of the process, so when something concrete happens (even if it's just something like notarizing papers) it feels worthy of documenting.  So!  On Thursday, May 16th we had all of our papers notarized!  Here is the notary going through the stacks of papers with us.  She only shook out her hand from cramping once that I saw.

Our agency recently changed their fee schedule to break up the agency fee into two payments, so when we submit these papers we'll actually pay less than we planned on now, but more than we planned on when we submit our dossier.  Worked out well for us actually.

In other news, the last paper we had to fill out to send with these papers included contact information from our "coordinating agency" - that is the local agency that will be completing our homestudy.  I sent them an email asking for that specific info (mailing address, fax number, etc) and hadn't heard back.  Since I was anxious to get our papers in the mail on Friday I called only to find out that this agency is not going to renew its license and is closing.  *sigh*  It's better to find this out now than down the road when we need to update something on our homestudy, but now we have to research another agency that is local, has 501(c)3 status, and is Hague accredited.  Then they have to agree to contract with our agency (exchange of paperwork between agencies) and THEN we can put them down on our paperwork as our coordinating agency and submit our paperwork.  It's not a major speedbump or anything, but it's still frustrating....especially since so far I've only found 3 local agencies that fit this criteria and two of them charge between $450-$650 more than the original agency we were going to use.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed on what we'll hear back from the 3rd agency.

In the meantime, our inquiry coordinator with our agency has put in a request on our behalf for another extension on our paperwork in order for us to find another agency that will contract with AGCI since we will be at their mercy with how long it takes them to process the paperwork on their end before we can put them down on our paperwork.  Blah, blah, blah.  I can't imagine anyone will actually read this post, but it's part of the process and document I must!  It just kind of took the wind out of my sails...after all those official stamps from the notary I was excited to make things official and mail off the sealed envelope with paperwork complete (for this stage anyway).  Soon enough, I suppose.